Aeternus, Eternus

2006-10-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

It's time to say goodbye to this blog.

About time, really. It's been a good 2 years since I started it, and it has lots of memories, both good and bad.

A time of adolescence, recorded in all its childish splendour. At times I'm almost embarrassed by the horrid details embedded in here. Was I ever so foolish, so self-absorbed, so petty and selfish?

Perhaps I still am. I am, after all, still within a period possibly acknowledged as adolescence. I have a long way to go before true maturity. I am, as many still love to say, a child. A foolish, immature, silly little kid.

Ah, the taste of bitterness tainting those words. Yes, it's been a bitter, cynical 2 years since. Despite the cheeriness, the carefree and happy-go-lucky attitude, the bitterness that was seared into the darkest depths of my soul still lingered on like a bad memory. It was never gone fully, was it?

But enough of that sweet poison. This is the last post, it should at least be a little more elegaic in essence. Well, at least that's what is should be. But then again, I've never been much for elegance, have I? I might make up all the pretty showings of graceful courtesy, but my coarse upbringing rears its ugly head ever so often. How distressing.

Enough of courtly pretensions. I can't truly say what brought this on. It just felt right somehow. Being on the brink of taking the A Level exams, a phase that will signal the end of an era and the beginning of another section of my life, I should perhaps also close that chapter of my life with this act. It seems most appropriate, in some uniquely obscure manner that probably makes sense only to me.

Well, it's been a long journey. Many thanks to the readers who, for some perverse reason or other, have accompanied myself along this perilous journey to some understanding. I cannot fathom why anyone would find my blog an entertaining read, unless you happen to be Kanai, who is virtually a twisted (in a good way!) reflection of myself. She finds my moments of insanity amusing, for whatever reason. I think she knows rather well that I'm faking it with aplomb, and is sharing the joke with myself as well. After all, two liars and puppeteers recognise each other's trade when they encounter it.

Ah, too many secrets. Musn't reveal too much. And then again, who really understands us if they are not like ourselves?

Time to say farewell now, I suppose. It has been fun, writing for pure entertainment and narcissistic pleasure. I won't delete this blog, after all, it does hold many precious memories, though some I would rather gladly excise from living memory if I could possibly help it. Ah, what nonsense, we should accept life as it is, with both good and bad. No point obscuring the truth for the sake of some ephemeral notion of pride and honour.

Well well, I'm getting really naggy. Will stop now. Farewell, and take care.

...like hell. Have fun and live life! To hell with caution! Cheers!

静.绚湖拜上
此后在此处绝笔
后会无期了！

2006-10-01T01:17:00.000+08:00

Rat soup! Rat soup!

And that fufills the obligatory weird anime reference of the day.

Sorry, its past midnight and I'm being severely weird.

Is it me or am I seeing more twincest than I like in my anime watchings? Actually, not that many. So far I've seen the Tweedle twins from Kiddy Grade, the devilish yaoi twins in Ouran, and the yuri twincest in Simoun. See, I have one from every category, het, yaoi, and yuri. Lol.

Although, obviously, the only pair that have actually done anything at all to qualify it as actual incest is the last one. The Tweedle pair is one sided (the sister being oblivious to her brother's obsession), and the Ouran twins are just pretending to be gay for each other in order to fufill the stereotype (its really hilariously OTT).

Ahem, nevertheless...

*spazzes out randomly*

Umbrellas are gay!

Another obscure anime reference. Don't ask.

Although, going with that reasoning, it would also account that pianos are gay, rose gardens are gay, sea shells are gay (especially the pink ones), greenhouses are gay, catholics are gay...oops?

Sorry about the last one. Catholics are not gay. *cough*

(little voice whispers: then what about all the Alucard/Anderson slash in Hellsing?)

AHEM. Not the point here.

Going with the typical anime illogic, that's the kind of weird trashy reasoning that appears if you do it that way. After all, the prevalence of said cliched stereotypes makes it highly entertaining to draw connections to.

Ok my brain is officially not working. *has entered babble-spaz-rant mode*

Pinky and the Brain, the Pinky and the Brain~~~

Um, ignore that.

And if I see anymore of the cliched "storm the wedding" scenes, I'll either puke or die of laughter. Possibly both.

Which would then probably result in a stunning display of technicolor projectile-vomiting, complete with echoing sound effects and artistic shades of psychedelic colors against a monochrome background.

Ok that was disgusting, even for me.

Archery is gay.

See Chikane. See Stopani. See Legolas, damnit. How can a guy with hair like that (not to mention all the other effeminate qualities) not be gay?

Lol. Everything I've said thus far should be taken with copious doses of salt, preferably at Dead Sea levels. Braindead, remember?

Now for some old school live action reference that is probably unique to me and possible invisible to the unwary eye.

The classic "ZOMG I PWN YOU WITH MY SHINING THINGIES OF HEART-SHAPIES AND BUBBLY THINGS!!"

I think I might have inadvertently referenced Utena with the "shining thing" comment.

As my IQ progressively dwindles to zero (possibly below that already), I shall further embarrass myself with more stupid lines to laugh at when I'm in the right mind at a future date.

*must...resist...urge...to...make...Pokemon reference...*

...and it comes to my ever-unravelling attention that a very odd line has come to take on great comedic potential in my addled brain. And it is:

"Please marry me."

Lol. Marimite, one of the classiest anime I've seen, yet also has the most hilarious outtakes I've also ever seen.

Drunk!Shimako and Drunk!Sachiko aside, the classic stereotype of Rei and Yoshino into the battered housewife and abusive "husband" in their non-relationship in the NG scenes were dealt with spectacularly.

...and the inspired "Ohohoho!"ing of one Mizuno Youko in the last special of Haru nearly ruined my face as my facial muscles spontaneously decided to go into wracked spasms wrought from laughing fits.

Animated hair also has a tendency to take on a life on their own.

Watch Arika. See Yumi in the specials. Touko's Drill-like hairstyle...hence her nickname "Drill".

And I categorically refuse to even talk about Millia Rage.

Incidentally, this trash-filled post is just a kind of "oh well, let's make up for what little time is left on my com" kind of post.

Mostly because I like to reread my own blog, and stupidity like this type of post amuses me. I'm odd, so sue me.

Anyway, my tendency to ramble is already getting out of hand, so ja ne!

2006-09-30T19:12:00.000+08:00

Well, today marks the last day of my slackiness in work. I think.

I'm moving over to my cousin's place for the next month in order to stay focused for the last stretch heading towards the exams.

In short, I'm pulling a Satou Sei.

Lol. Watch Marimite episode 7, towards the end.

It's one of the funnier episodes. Especially the parts where the Roses (3rd years) had to step in to convince the boutons (Sachiko, Rei, Shimako) to accept the Valentine's Day game challenge. Yumi's observations were hilarious, as follows.

> Scene Start: In the Rose Mansion
> Youko, Sei and Eriko have just arrived

Sachiko: If you order it, we have no choice but to go along reluctantly.
Youko: You're being stubborn as usual.
Sachiko: And who was it who chose a stubborn person as her soeur?
Youko: It was I. So I want you to be more flexible. I want you to mingle with the students. What's wrong with that? You've started to have such nice facial expressions ever since you made Yumi-chan your soeur, right? ^__~

> Sachiko and Yumi wear identical expressions of 0__0

Sachiko: <__<

> Yumi voiceover - Round One: Sachiko-sama is KO'd.
> Camera shift to Foetida family

Eriko: Rei.
Rei: *blinks, nervous* Yes?
Eriko: You know what I'm going to say, right?
Rei: *blink blink*
Eriko: ^___^
Rei: -__- I'll cooperate with the Newspaper Club.
Yoshino: *pops in* I refuse! Don't you think you're going too far by pressuring her like this, Rosa Foetida? And you, Rei-chan!
Eriko: I'm speaking with Rei right now. I don't want someone who isn't involved to butt in.
Yoshino: *is taken aback*
Rei: *whispering to Yoshino* Don't you see that the more adamant you are about this, the more you stir up Onee-sama (Rosa Foetida)?
Eriko: *smugly* You still have a long way to go Yoshino-chan.

> Round Two: Rei-sama and Yoshino-san forfeit the match.
> Camera shifts to the Giganteas
> Round Three

Sei: That's how it is, so do your best, okay? ^__^
Shimako: I understand. *without changing expression*

> Sei-sama wins by default.

That was hilarious. That last line nailed me. Yumi's assessment of how each of the Roses handled their soeurs were funny. It just seems perfectly normal for Sei to win by default, Shimako would never contradict her lol.

Of course, my point here is not the humor. I said that I was 'pulling a Satou Sei' due to a comment that popped up when Sei and Yumi were talking towards the end of the episode. I won't mention the comment, but I find the parallel amusing nevertheless.

Personally, if I were put in Lillian Yamayurikai, I would most likely end up part of the Gigantea branch. Either that or in the Foetida branch. I'm not serious enough to be in the Chinensis branch lol.

So, last post in a month, most likely. I might drop in to update about my progress in my studies, but don't hold your breath waiting.

Oh and konks, if you need to contact me, use email. I might take a while to respond though. So yeah. ^__^

And now to laugh at Drunk!Shimako again in the Maria-sama ni wa naisho outtakes again. ^__~

2006-09-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

I'm personally glad that my latest drabble series is coming by decently.

Stopani-based, naturally. Miyuki-centered, as usual.

I think ficeler37 was right, we seem to have a student-council-president fetish. It's all Shizuru's fault. Lol.

I'm having fun trying to characterise Miyuki, because I...just identify with the girl. Only in certain respects, mind. We're a lot different. But I feel like I understand her motivations, so that isn't so bad.

Am wracking my head over how to properly convey Miyuki and Kaori's relationship. After all, Miyuki was Shizuma's best friend, and Shizuma and Kaori were dating. Besides, Kaori trusted Miyuki enough to 'entrust' Shizuma to Miyuki before she died. I think that says a lot.

Enough about that though. I'm liking Miyuki's character. She's inherently flawed, not quite as selfless as Youko (of Marimite fame) was, and very human. I like her. Haha. She's the kind of character that's actually plausible in real life. Lol.

Still, glad that the drabbles are turning out fine. It's a challenge to keep everything short and self-contained to within 100-200 words, while still managing to bring out the meaning and emotions. I think I might have underestimated drabble writing; it isn't quite as easy as I first thought it to be.

Still listening to Inori no Uta, it's really growing on me. The first time I heard it was on the Simoun ED track, and I like the way it started, so I went and got the song. It's really rather nice.

Incidentally, another song I have is called Sei Otome no Inori, from the Mai Otome soundtrack. I will have to check the kanji, but I believe it translates to Prayer of the Holy Maiden. It would fit with the track though, the background 'voice' is definitely female and holy-ish. There's no other way to put it properly I'm afraid.

It's amazing the number of random japanese words and phrases one picks up while listening to foreign language songs and watching their shows. Of course, there are so many more subtleties about said language that I will probably take ages to figure it out this way.

Did you know that there was the polite form of speech in japanese that is almost completely different from 'regular' japanese? I didn't really realise that until I stumbled upon it on DarkMirage's blog. He was giving mini-lecture/lessons on the japanese language lol. I found it rather enlightening. ^__^

As of now, I can pick out two distinct dialects of japanese, namely the Kyoto and Kansai ones. I blame Mai Hime and Yamibou for it. Curse Shizuru and her damnably sexy Kyoto-ben. And the fox spirit's excessive use of the Kansai dialect (while drunk no less), which the translators made a special note of in the fansubs.

Still, fascinating business. Apparently konks uses an Osaka dialect (or so she says, I'm not sure), though I can't remember if it was that or something else...eh...brain dead...

Well, if you'll excuse me. *bows*

2006-09-29T19:55:00.000+08:00

I can't hear anything
I can't see anything
I don't want to listen to them scream
I don't want to see them yell
There is nothing around me
Nothing at all
Yes that's right
Nothing at all
They're not real
I don't want to see them
Don't wanna hear them
They're not real
They can't hurt me
They're not real

2006-09-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

Song Playing: savage genius - Inori no Uta

Yes, that's important.

As for how and why, leave that to me.

The title translates to Prayer Song, or something along those lines.

I haven't prayed for very long. I've forgotten what it's like to really pray with faith.

You know, sometimes, even with this medium of communication, which I'm most comfortable with, communicating the meanings in my heart can still be really tough.

And then, sometimes even harder to speak. I just end up singing songs to express myself sometimes. The melody and the lyrics help to ease the pressure that unspoken words cause.

What do I want to say here? Many things. So many things, that sometimes even all the words in the world can't express.

Looking up again at the 'Song Playing', it's somehow ironic. Yes, the artiste of the song is 'savage genius', and that somehow relates to me. Lol.

As for 'Inori no Uta', sometimes it feels that way. Even if I can't hope, I still pray. Not for myself, but for others. For my friends, my loved ones, even the ones I hate.

I can't pray for myself anymore. It just seems so...wrong to do so.

No, you don't get it either. The words for any prayer for myself seem hard to come by. They are all wrong. What can I pray for myself?

For safety? From what?

For love? For whom, and for what purpose?

For success? Why?

For peace? God, is that even possible anymore?

I know. For safety from myself. For the love of me. For peace of mind. These are the things I should be praying for. Except that I don't believe in God anymore. Oh, God is still there, I think. I just don't believe anymore. So whether God is there or not doesn't matter.

People keep telling me I'm cynical. Sou desu. The shell is, as usual.

What you see, what you experience, that's the shell you see of me. That's Huimin. That's the awkward girl who still trips over her own feet. That's the cynic, whom you so decry.

There are many of me. 'Huimin' is one out of many identities. Chaos, my masculine side, otherwise known as cynical perverted bastard.

But even then, Chaos isn't really that bad. He cares for people too, he just doesn't show it. He's evil sometimes, but rather than being immoral, he's just amoral. He just doesn't care about morality and ethics. Whether he deliberately acts in contrary to them is another issue altogether. Which he doesn't. He doesn't break rules for the sake of breaking rules. He breaks rules because they're getting in his way. Otherwise he leaves them alone. It's that simple. That doesn't make him good, but he's not fundamentally evil, that's certain.

Then there's Estrea, the kind big sister figure. Teasing, flirting, sometimes sneaky and unscrupulous, but really just a big softie. Her almost genki nature is a bit unsettling sometimes. Estrea is very very two-faced. To those who don't know her well, she's hyper and happy and overdramatic. To those who she's comfortable with, she reveals a darker side, angry and poisonous, a self-consuming darkness. In the end, Estrea is just a facade for the darkness underneath.

Which brings us to Krista. Krista is very similar to Estrea, but more calculated, more refined in a sense. Not really given to the kind of hyper happiness Estrea possesses, but has a more 'princely' air to her. Pseudo-cool, a more feminine version of Chaos, minus the coarseness. I never explained the reasoning of the name 'Krista', have I? Only to Chengwei I think. Ah well.

Krista bears similarity to 'kris', which in malay means 'dagger' or 'knife'. That's who Krista is, sharp, dangerous. And it also represents a cut, loosening the bonds between past and future. Krista is the future, my future, the future I'm seeking to become. Similarly, 'Krista' reminds me of crystal, multifaceted, a prism reflected within when held up to the light. Strong, yet fragile. That's what it means to be Krista. A crystal knife.

I'm not Krista. But I'm working towards it. It's strange. Evolution always is. I'm her, yet not her. Not yet. Not quite yet. Too many factors to take into account.

The night. Is falling. Night is where I'm most in my element. I feel less inhibited in the dark. I wonder if it's possible to get a night job. I would willingly turn myself into a pseudo-vampire by working nights and sleeping in the day.

I hate the light of day. I hated mornings. The night is not frightening to me. The night is less harsh on the eyes. In the night, I cannot see my hands.

I hated my hands. Long fingered, wide-palmed, large, rough hands. I cannot remember why I loathed them so much. I'm pretty sure they did nothing to deserve it. I'm grateful for how useful they are to me, but at the same time, I cannot bear to look at them.

It's a Macbeth thing, I swear. "Out damn spot, out I say!" Classic.

Similarly, I see blood on my hands. Filth and blood and guilt and sin. Again, there really isn't much justification for it.

Call it a fascination with self-flagellation. Some kind of obscure sadistic instinct to torture myself, maybe? I just like to see myself suffer really. Odd reasoning though.

How do I explain myself? Explaining myself. It seems that I have been doing nothing BUT explain myself since the day I lost the ability to have someone else defend me.

I'm just so sick of having to explain myself. So sick of having to label myself this or that. So sick of trying to justify and condemn my actions.

Why the hell do you think I just sit there and remain mute when people ask me? Pure defiance? Perhaps. But I'm just so tired of defending myself. Condemn me, judge me, just don't have me explain myself.

Or I could stand up and do something to stop the accusations. Do something right, and it will stop. But what is right anymore? God. It's comfortable yes, in my own personal hell. I don't want to talk to them, please don't make me talk to them.

Excuse me while I go rot in this shell of mine.

2006-09-27T21:19:00.000+08:00

I miss konks.

Incidentally, I stumbled onto an anime that involves some serious mind-bendy ideas involving time-space warping and other alternate-dimensional thingy. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

There was also a lot of gender-bending and gender-identity issues involved. ^^ Yes there is yuri. Go Aaeru/Neviril!! *cough* Excuse me.

But aside from the incidentals, I'm absolutely enthralled by the idea of the time-bending trick caused by the Jade/Emerald Remergion that threw Rimone and Dominura into the past. Lol. And by the possibility that either Dominura or Amuria (Neviril's old partner/lover) could have been Aaeru's grandpa. XD

Did I mention that in the world of Simoun, everyone is born female (!!) and when they reach 17, they have to pick a gender at the "spring". Yeah, they actually become guys. O___O

Hence the issue of gender-bending and gender-identity comes in. Strange that all these confusing stuff reminds me of konks. Mainly because we used to have crazy conversations of this sort.

Plus it stretches the definition of yuri. I mean, they all started out being girls lol. Of course, once they become male, I think they count as real guys. So what was a yuri relationship before between two girls, if one chooses to be male and the other remains female, it automatically becomes heterosexual. Follow me yet? XD

Oooh and this isn't even the best part. What if you made the wrong choice at the spring? :P There's no going back after the choice has been made. XD You have to live with it, whether you like it or not. Erie, or Erif as he became later on, found that out. Haha. He wasn't prepared to choose, and the choice was made for him to become male. I think there was some regret involved afterwards. *cough*

Ok enough random Simoun-waving. I'm not paid to advertise the series anyway. XD

Took a peek at my anime pictures collection, and decided that the only "safe" folders to look into are probably the Marimite and Stopani ones. Although there is one picture in the Marimite folder that toes the line of propriety (Sei/Youko naturally).

...um make that two. Possibly three. But the vast majority is safe. Haha.

The Mai Hime folder is like uberly unsafe. I'm pretty sure nudity is not safe. And other compromising positions...hehe. Although I found the KnM parody ones pretty hilarious. XD

KnM folder is rather...ok. If you're fine with two girls being in the same frame, I suppose its rather tame. Nothing too overboard really. I wonder why...

Again, Utena folder is off-limits. Look, if the show itself has incest and homosexuality, imagine what kind of pictures are available. On second thoughts, don't imagine. Lol.

My Hellsing folder is only rated for gore. Lots and lots of blood...well, with a mad vampire like Alucard involved, obviously there's going to be blood. Among other internal organs and fluids... *shrug*

The DN Angel one is safe. Unless you are hyper sensitive and scream "YAOI!!!" whenever two or more of the male characters are in the same frame. Look, they're not doing anything to suggest that. They're just posing for pictures. Lol.

Angel Sanctuary...um...there's yaoi, implied yuri (very very implied, blink and you miss it) and generally gore. Look, Katan got decapitated rather violently by an out-of-control Rosiel. They showed the process. Obviously its violent and bloody. Oh and don't forget the incest too. I still can't get over the brutality of the "Wing Drop" process. Ugh.

Oh, and my Sailor Moon folder. The Haruka/Michiru section is obviously off limits with good reason. The rest of the folder minus that section is pretty small, but otherwise safe. *shrug* Mostly of Saturn/Hotaru, because I have this thing for the Senshi of Death. XD

Have a couple of Trinity Blood pics, mostly of the dark and disturbing type, following the Hellsing and Angel Sanctuary example.

One good Toune pic from Melody of Oblivion. There really is a shortage...

Several from Evangelion of Ayanami Rei, because she's my favorite pilot. Haha. A few of her with Asuka as well...hmm...

Then many other random pretty pictures I gathered up. Heh. When I say pretty, they can mean anything from the usual definition to the darkly psychotic types ala Hellsing-fashion. I have strange ideas of what makes something "pretty".

Considering that I have on occasion called blood "pretty", I guess you can get my drift.

Non-anime pictures are of BoA (duh), and Hyori (konks sent them to me!). The latter is nosebleed-inducing. Konks has this strange idea that sending Hyori pics to me will help me break free of my "odd" obsession with strange anime characters. I wonder...?

I have some of Kitagawa Keiko and a lot more of Komatsu Ayaka. The Keiko pics are safe. The Ayaka ones are not. They're a little on the...loli side? I just can't contemplate the image of a 16 year old (who looks even younger than that) wearing tiny bikinis. All the same, I continue to save them up. -___- I'm weird, I admit.

It probably doesn't help that I actually saw Ayaka's pictorial book on sale in the Bugis branch of Kinokuniya. *eye twitch* To buy or not to buy...it's rather expensive hmm...

And don't ask why I managed to remember the kanji for Ayaka's name. I also remember Sawai Miyuu's, and I also saw her pictorial book on sale. o__o I tried looking for Keiko's one, but I couldn't remember if she did have a pictorial book of her own. I know Ayaka has two, and so does Miyuu. I'm not sure about the rest...

And if you're wondering who "the rest" means, well, the above 3 I mentioned were the actresses portraying the senshi in PGSM. Ehehehe...

Look, I sat through a stupid movie like Tokyo Drift just to watch Keiko. And yes, the movie is stupid. The only saving grace was that I thought the drift races were fun to watch. The plot itself is just moronic. And overused. And cliched. And just downright stupid. Any fanficcer can come up with that. -___-

Gee, I'm weird huh? Eh, whatever.

*has a sudden random urge to say something...*

YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!!!

*cough* Sorry, it just came out. It's just too funny to let go of lol. Not that many lines stick to you like this simply because it is THAT absurd.

Oh and let's not forget "Mass Naked Child Events". *snicker* This one was a mistranslation by a fansub group though, not the actual dialogue (thank god). Still, I think I'll never forget this. Haha.

Ah well. I shall take my leave now. Good day!

2006-09-26T19:51:00.000+08:00

I am a weed in the rose garden.
I was poison in a potato leaf.
I will live, because it's hard to get rid of me.

I am a horse, I kick.
I was an ill-tempered breed.
I will live and run free.

I am a stray mongrel on the streets.
I was a scorned mixed breed.
I will live in spite of this.

I am an ordinary human being.
I was not the brilliant star they sought high in the sky.
I will live the way I like it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hardly a poem. Stupid thing.

If there's one thing I want right now, anything in the world, I just want a future.

Laugh. Go ahead. *sits down and stares idly into the distance*

Hopefully you people can recover to read this part.

I want a future that I can believe in.

Believe it or not, that's harder than you think.

Some people think that a future is something you build with your own hands. I don't decry that thought. It's true. We do shape our future with our own hands.

So I bet people are thinking this: "Well then get up and do something about that future damnit!" Vulgarity is optional.

But you see, I can't believe in that future. I can't believe in what I want. I can't believe that there can be anything in that distant--or not so distant--future that I want. I am terrified that I do know what I want, because I'm not sure if I should be wanting it.

Trust me, it's a long and complicated story.

The future I see is very dark. A lot of bloodshed. A lot of tears. A lot of suffering. It's hard to place faith in a future stained by the cancer of humanity. I find it hard to believe that there can be a future.

You see, I am not a great person. I am not very altruistic. I do not see all these horrible scenes of suffering appearing in the papers everyday and think that I have to do something to change the situation. I am very selfish and self-centered.

Why do you think I have a blog anyway? Because I'm narcissistic. Silly.

So, I am not very wonderful or great or revolutionary or whatever. I am just this normal person. Although many people would beg to differ. I fail to see why I have a whole segment of people who have encountered me during some distant past of mine who seem to think that I have a great future to move on to.

For some reason they think I'm some sort of a genius. I'm not, really. I may be somewhat gifted in certain areas, but that doesn't make me a genius. I don't have the single-minded obsession or passion that characterises one, or the drive to succeed either. I am just a very normal 18 year old girl who happens to be pondering the fate of the universe.

I don't even have the spectacularly extended vocabulary that some of the more intellectual of my classmates possess. I do not have some terribly refined or left-field tastes in literature or music.

I like anime (good god, you can't get worse than liking Sailor Moon, can you?), and I like mainstream Jpop. Ask anyone, Ayumi Hamazaki, Utada Hikaru, and BoA are all very very mainstream in Jpop. I don't even go for the ultra-obscure or uber-cool "alternative music" types in the genre. I don't listen to Jrock either---although I do listen to some Gackt and Hyde sometimes.

See, I am normal. I like normal things. I like hugging fluffy teddy bears. I even like my stuffed green lizard named Chomps, which Grace was convinced that it was absolutely ugly, but bought for me for my birthday anyway because I liked it so much.

I am not a wonderful person. I don't know how to evoke great changes to the world order. I don't even know what to replace it with if I do change it. I think that's the major argument for any attempts to make serious reform. But revolutionary people around the world throughout history have gone "screw the rules, we're changing even if we don't know what's going to replace it!" And in some celebrated cases, that has proved to be the right decision.

But I'm not a hero. I'm not some great person. I do not want to be a great person. Great people have bigger problems. I am satisfied with my little problems. At least, I think I am.

I want a future that I can not be ashamed of. As it stands now, all I can see is a blank slate. Some courageous beings might see this as the perfect place to start, but I am not courageous. I have said, on many occasions before, that I am a coward. Hypothetically speaking, if there was an axe murderer standing in front of me and my friend, I would push the friend in front of me and run away.

That's right, I am a coward. I can cast away my pride to live. After all, what is pride if we die? Live, and make a difference, be it to yourself or to others.

I want to live, if only to see what happens. I would be perpetually lost, because uncertainty is less damningly rigid than certainty. Purpose and destiny is all very well and good, and I admire those who have a purpose in their lives, but I rather be lost in the wilderness trying to grope for a reason to be me and not someone else.

That's right, I don't want to be found. I like being lost. I am happy when I am sad, and sad when I am happy, because for me, both happiness and sadness are the same. I am me, whatever that means, and I want to continue being me, trying to find who who "me" is, and trying to find out more beyond "myself".

I don't want to live someone else's life, living someone else's dream, living a purpose I despise, and forgetting what it means to doubt and to learn.

I sometimes like to think, and then to doubt. Doubt opens possibilities, doorways to other possibilities, and we can learn new things. Doubt is uncertain, unsafe, and even terrifying. People don't like doubt. They want certainty.

Truth is, I'm afraid of doubt too. I don't like standing on this floating ice of doubt, drifting across uncharted waters and wondering when the ice beneath my feet will just melt and give way under my feet. Doubt adds fuel to fear.

But then, certainty is boring. It is very admirable. But it is also staid and safe and consumes all your life and attention. You can be happy with certainty. I won't begrude those who find joy in certainty. I would like some certainty in this inconstant life too, but I know that I would be bored to death by it.

Perhaps, if my mind hadn't awakened to possibility, I would have lived a life of certainty. I would be the straight-A student, probably graduating with a double degree with honors at some prestigious university. I would be great, successful, and probably happy with what I was.

But somewhere along the way my life took a turn. Certainty gave way to doubt. I learnt to think and to question. Why am I here? Why are we like this? Why is the world like this? Why am I me? What does being "me" mean? Does there have to be a meaning to "me"? If there is, what do I mean? Does there have to be a meaning? Who am I? What am I? What does it mean to be me?

Many questions. I had never thought to ask them before. But that divergence happened, and here I am, questioning. Doubting. Above all, thinking.

I like thinking, even though sometimes it does hinder action. Thinking is fun. Thinking helps me to understand. Thinking is the only thing keeping me sane.

It's too late to go back to that unthinking certainty anymore. I can't go back even if I wanted to, and now that I have had time to seriously think about it, I don't want to go back either. I would probably have been happier with that sense of purpose I possessed then, that unswerving certainty that I would go through school and life as that brilliant shooting star that aced everything. I would probably have ended up married somehow, and have kids. And then I would grow old and fufilled, and die at the end of my days, unquestioning.

I would have been happy.

But that's a dream. A dream I can't go back to. And a dream I'm pretty sure I don't want, now that I am cast out into this world of uncertainty.

Everything is fresh and new, being uncertain. I live from moment to moment, half in fear, half in wonder, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in the midst of the wilderness. Trying to be me, yet not knowing who or what "me" represents.

I disappointed a lot of people being like that. Wandering through my life, aimlessly, without purpose. I hear them sigh and shake their heads.

What a waste, they say. She would have been a wonderful student, have had a wonderful future, the world at her feet. She would have been great, they lamented, and now she's just throwing it all away by being lazy and irresponsible.

Yes it's true. I am being lazy and irresponsible. By typing this at all, I am already being terribly lazy and irresponsible. Reality, as it has a habit of doing, intrudes once again into the world of the mind. The world doesn't wait for one single girl to figure out who she is and what she wants from life, it just keeps going.

Life is full of possibilities. I keep drifting like a cloud, bornt aloft by the winds. Aimlessly, wandering, without purpose. People would think I require a good kick in the head to "wake me up".

But they're wrong. I am awake. I know full well that my drifting would get me in trouble. That I'm head-on for a collision course. That I would get hurt, and hurt others because of this stubborn recklessness of mine. But I still drift, I still wander, I still wonder.

Because I am terribly selfish. I don't care for others but myself. I drift because I want to, because I hope that, in drifting, I can find out what it means to be me, and that in drifting along, I can pick out useful information along the way to feed the artistic hunger within myself. I am selfish. I only thought about myself.

Because certainty, for me, is so much scarier than doubt. Certainty means that I will be tied down, would meant that I had to *gasp* bear responsibility. I'm lazy, selfish, and irresponsible. What do you think?

Certainty might make one feel safe, but it fills me with dread. Last night I asked for a hug from my father, and I received it. It was cold, clammy, and distant. It didn't feel safe at all. I felt even less secure in the fact that my father's embrace made me feel even more uneasy. If this is what certainty proved to me, I rather that I had never requested for the hug, forever remained in doubt, and at least could bear the illusion that the hug would have been a comforting one.

Doubt gives possibility. I am a coward too, and certainty is far more dangerous to my wandering mind than anything else.

In this life I have left, I doubt that I would ever get married. I would probably remain celibate unless I get horribly horribly drunk and lose control of my senses. I'd be a wanderer in my own mind, endlessly exploring, but never trying it out in real life, because in the end, I'm nothing but a spineless coward, with nothing to fight for because I didn't dare to specify the thing I wanted to fight for.

Terrible fate, isn't it? And you wonder why I can't believe in a future with me in it.

2006-09-26T19:20:00.000+08:00

Note the change in the quote under the blog title.

Actually I wanted to put Alucard's quote, then decided the other one put on Seras in a fic was so much better.

In case you were wondering, Alucard's quote was

Hell's Gate Arrested, And Shine Heaven Now.

I decided it was just too inappropriate. I was never in Hell before, so no gate to be arrested. Eh, long story there.

And you thought having something like Heaven's Gate Shut is a good idea?

Well I could explain, but I don't want to be accused of being morbid and fatalistic and atheist. Not that I'm actually atheist, but some people have crappy definitions of the meaning of atheism. Ah well, why bother with them?

Che. Now get back to what you were doing.

Yessir!

2006-09-25T21:56:00.000+08:00

I don't remember.

Here I am, tears running down my cheeks.

And I don't remember.

Mommy?

I don't remember telling her how much I loved her.

Mommy...died.

I remember hugging her, the night before I left...she left...

It was precisely 8pm when I stepped out of the ward that night.

I only hugged her.

I thought I would see her again tomorrow.

Then, I woke, tears streaming down my face, at 7.25 the next morning.

I dreamt that Mommy left me.

I heard the phone ring in the hall. My cousin woke to pick it up.

I lay, eyes still shut, face wet with tears.

I heard voices. I was curious.

I crawled out, clutching my pillow, out through the half-open door.

The floor was cold. My cousin was knelt next to the phone.

It was 7.40 on the clock, but I knew that it was 5 minutes ahead.

I don't remember clearly how it happened after that.

Only that shortly afterwards, I was told that mom had died.

I sat at the edge of the bed, shocked, my cousin's arm around me.

And I cried.

Sobbed my heart out, tears running like a waterfall, whatever have you.

I cried like a child that morning, clad in my sleepwear in my cousin's room.

And then I stopped crying after that.

It was all a whirl afterwards. I was in a dress. People were rushing all around me.

Preparing for a funeral. Preparing god-knows-what.

I was a child, so nobody told me anything.

I sat. I stood. I was in a fucking dress.

But I never cried after that morning.

I was numb. I think, part of me couldn't believe that Mommy was gone...for good.

The funeral was very funeral-like. Except that I haven't been to many funerals.

Heck, I don't think I've ever BEEN to a funeral before that.

Cruel then, that the first I had to attend was my own mother's.

I saw it in a coffin. Mother's corpse.

It wasn't her. It couldn't be.

The Mommy I knew would never apply makeup that thickly or that hideously.

I didn't even know how to hate the person who'd made my mom look so...not-her.

I wasn't like a child who'd just lost a parent.

Children who'd just lost their mother shouldn't laugh and play at the funeral.

But I did. Did that make me a bad daughter?

I don't know. I don't know anymore.

I don't remember crying, grieving. Not as much as daddy did after that.

I cried openly only once, on that morning I heard the news.

I don't remember anything. I only remembered moving on.

To an empty house. Cold, dark, and empty.

I never had to open the gate on my own before to come home.

The inside of the house was dark, lifeless.

The lights had to be switched on. Not that it made it any better.

I moved on. Or so I thought.

Plowed along stoically. Watched stupidly as dad cried and grieved and drowned his sorrows in alcohol.

Do you know how disturbing it is to watch a grown man cry while doing the laundry?

Come to think of it, when did I cry during those darker times?

Certainly not in front of anyone else.

I stopped crying for grief's sake. If I cried, it was for theaterical purposes, to suit my own ends.

Acting vulnerable to all those stupid adults certainly got sympathy for me.

And crying, even for selfish reasons in front of an audience, helped in its own little way.

I cried more when I grew into puberty. Damn hormones.

But I never grieved, at least not as openly as my father had had.

I settled for wistful looks into some distance only I could see, the angst and broodiness that just took over my whole self.

I never really grieved for my mother. I grieved for myself.

And now I'm sitting here, trying my damndest to remember.

I never wanted to remember before. It was too painful to remember.

After all, it is most painful, to remember past happiness in present sorrow.

Have I ever seriously told my mother how much I loved her?

I try and I try. But...nothing. I can't remember a scrap.

Random pieces of happiness...but I can't remember telling my mother how much I loved her.

For once, I truly wanted to remember.

Because I don't want to know that in all my years, I had never told my mother how much I loved her.

Happy birthday Mom. You would have been 57 this year, had you lived. You missed your 50th birthday by 4 months, the year you died. I was only able to show you my midterm results a few days before you passed on. As usual, I had been first in class.

I am so sorry Mom. I've been such a useless wreck, a hopeless lump after you died. I know I shouldn't be blaming you now, that I should have been stronger and done you proud the way you would have wanted me too. I've failed you.

And all I want to do now, is just to cry. For myself, for you, I don't know. Only that I'm presently leaking snot and tears onto my keyboard, and its going to be a bitch to clean up later.

I am such a bad child. Such a foolish, immature child.

But for now, just let me be a child for a while longer. Let me hide in my room and cry some more. Let me be your daughter again, that 11-year old you left behind when you died on the 23rd of May, 1999.

I love you. I never said it before. But I really do.

Even if you couldn't possibly hear or see this, I need to say it. I love you mom. I really do.

Will you ever forgive me? For being such a spoiled child.

I love you mom. I'll never forget you.

2006-09-24T16:59:00.000+08:00

Sigh.

I miss konks.

Sigh.

No one to blab random things to. No one to discuss the probability of multiple world theories with me. No one to nag me. No one to pick on.

Really, she's like a little sister to me, although on some counts she is more mature than I am. Ah, we all have our little flaws.

I wonder then how it must have been when I absented myself? Hmm. The connection we share is special I suppose. She reads me like an open book. And then again, I'm like an earnest puppy that wears my heart on my sleeve, so reading me once you get past the icy layer really isn't too hard. As much as I despise the comparison of myself to a troublesome pup, I must admit it is much the case.

Ah well. I am, on many counts, irresponsible and happily self-indulgent. Like a puppy, I cling on to my toys with stubborn ferociousness and mark out territory like the half-grown whelp I am. I am fiercely loyal to those that I view as my own, and no matter how much I despise them, I would still protect them in my own way. However, I show no such mercy to those outside my concern. I may feel gratitude at most to those who help me, but I will feel no loyalty simply based on gratitude. I will repay the debt as and when I see fit, but to expect loyalty based simply on that is foolishness. I give my loyalty as I will, and no amount of bribery can swerve me.

Mistake me not, liking someone doesn't necessarily equate to trusting them. It is perfectly acceptable to like people, but that does not necessarily graduate to trust. Trust is, as many people know, to be earned. I don't give trust easily, and I don't expect it to be given easily in return. However, I do like people easily, since my standards aren't particularly high, but trusting them is another ball game altogether.

I wonder what brought this on. Perhaps it is the result of late night musings. Ah, one shall not know the intricate workings of one's own mind. Wisdom will hopefully come with experience, however. That is the best one can hope for.

2006-09-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

Generically speaking, what makes the reading of the private little details of the lives of others so sinfully interesting?

...other than the fact that we're all nosy bastards with nothing better to do, of course.

To be completely honest though, when I read the blogs of others, its usually for 2 reasons:

1) The person interests me, or the content of their posts just appeal to me (as of now only three people genuinely fit this category)
2) I just want to keep track of what they're doing

Option 2 happens to me occasionally. Well, Grace's blogs would fit in Option 2 I suppose, and Erika's too. Chengwei's one would have fit too, but he locked his blog and I forgot the password (actually he changed it and didn't tell me---*glare*).

Option 1 is Apolloyon's and Akayuki's blogs generally. The third's a secret. The first two because they do manga translations and anime reviews respectively. Hence I frequent them just to get updates. Lol.

Of course, I reread my own blogs almost obsessively. I guess its because I like remembering how I felt at that particular time. I have strange obsessions.

So why do people even read this blog? I know konks refers to this place for occasional entertainment---and she says that she finds the psycho-emo-goth posts fun to read. I take no responsibility for having unusual friends. However I do take responsibility for writing unusual posts which makes said unusual friends happy. Lol.

Tch. I like blogging crazy things because it distracts me from mundane life. Not to mention I like to out-psycho Chaos whose continued presence in my head is driving me more than a little crazy. Ah whatever, Chaos is good company when he isn't being a morbid little asshole trying to screw my mind over. Which is pretty much what he always does, but there's a difference between "normal" mode and "angst" mode. I prefer the usual, not the angst, thank you very much.

Still, a beautfiul mind is one to be admired. Ah, random line.

If one values one's life and sanity, do not, I repeat, do NOT, under any circumstance, let anyone named Kashiwagi Suguru, Satou Sei, Katsuragi Misato, or Sagisawa Youko offer to drive you anywhere.

That is the truth I have learnt after watching Marimite, Evangelion, and Mai Hime.

XD

2006-09-20T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's over.

Bloodstained hands.

It's really over.

Crimson eyes.

Stop...for me?

Dead eyes.

You don't have to fight anymore.

Pale skin.

Stop...just stop...

Broken nails.

Stop it, just stop it...!

Torn clothes.

Why? Why won't you stop?

Ripped flesh.

It's enough...more than enough...

Fires burning, people screaming.

You MUST stop! Can't you hear my voice anymore?

Spilled guts, floor slick.

Stop it! You've had enough!

Slippery, red, purple, ooze.

You...

There's nothing left to kill.

...

And then there was dark.

2006-09-19T22:58:00.000+08:00

Such a kind child, really.

Such a kind child who cannot lie.

Lying has its limits too.

So it does.

Taking the seriousness off this blog and off to LJ. What's left here will probably be randomness...um, isn't that all that was here in the first place? Lol.

Why the sad face? I can't bear to see you cry.

Truly.

Why do you turn away? Am I truly so repugnant?

Do you really hate me that much?

Oh, if I do, if I did, it would truly be that much easier.

If I open this door, something terrible will happen.

That's why I cannot, must not, open it.

But...I can't...

...just once. Just a fast one, it would never have to be known.

Oh, that's what they all say.

Your eyes...filled with fear...hatred...suspicion...

...for me?

Your screams... NOOOOOOOO!!!!

It haunts me to this day.

Temptation, I will not take.

I can't play this charade anymore, of pretending that having a part of you would be enough.

I will have to though. This charade keeps one whole.

Just say yes or no. I can't wait for you forever.

I can and I will. Ne, konks, remember that kid you told me about? He waited for you all that time, didn't he? Fools, we both are. Waiting for someone who doesn't give a damn. Heh.

2006-09-19T16:43:00.000+08:00

WTF that boy is Adam?!?!

Don't answer that. You won't understand what I'm referring to anyway.

And THE HAT IS ALIVE!!!

Yep.

So everyone is everyone else's imaginations...ehh...

*collapses in dead faint*

2006-09-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

I think Eve has a sister complex. Not kidding. Just look at ep 13 and ep 7...

Eve and Lilith's interaction is simply hilarious. Lilith gets worked up, while Eve just smiles and nods and does the whole sparkly-innocent act with those big red eyes.

...great, another red-eyed girl. Gosh.

I like Yamibou's OP theme, ranks side by side with KnM's OP. The ED is a bit blah though. Ah well.

*must resist urge to draw obscure parallels between Yamibou and KnM*

Other than the already obvious character design-theft (Hazuki --> Chikane, Hatsumi --> Himeko)...hey wait a minute. Himeko has violet eyes. Hatsumi has red eyes. Lilith, on the other hand, has violet eyes. so Lilith --> Himeko?!?!?!

Makes sense in the Yamibou context though. Hazuki and Lilith spends quite some time together trying to track Hatsumi/Eve down. I especially love Lilith's line in the end.

Eve: Oh I almost forgot about that (the powers of the hat). It's been awhile since I was here.
Lilith: A "while" is it...? How many tens of thousands of years have you not been here?!?!

And Eve just smiles and nods like its none of her business. >__>

Jeesh. Irresponsible much? Ran away from the Great Library and spent several eons going from world to world to "play", leaving Lilith to take care of the library on her own.

Yamibou is like the ultimate crossover-ing, self-inserting universe with all those "book worlds" where Eve places herself in...and when Hazuki and co start chasing after her trail. I find it interesting to see the world that way. Haha.

I feel sorry for Hazuki though. She needs a big hug for the crappy ending she got. Poor thing. I mean, even Garuganchua got his "happily ever after" in his own little book world. No fair.

...although Hazuki did get a kiss. *cough* Sigh. I think I understand suddenly all the warnings I got on the forums: To erase all existence of what happens after the bedroom scene. X___x

Thank god for my self-installed memory wipers. ^__^ Comes in handy once in a while.

Oh I can't believe this. They did a reset. A goddamn frigging RESET.

Oh yeah, I'm definitely taking the bedroom scene as the official end. The rest is too painful to watch.

Oh-ho! I just spotted another scene KnM "borrowed". XD

...

......

................!!!!

Never mind.

*goes off to maki maki Yamibou scriptwriters*

2006-09-19T12:54:00.000+08:00

Finally got round to watching Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito.

Boy is that a long name! Let's just call it Yamibou, so much easier. XD

I love Hazuki! XD Yes, Tall Dark and Bishoujo types tend to get to me. Sigh. And it helps that she's a total tomboy (using the masculine pronoun to refer to herself). Hehe.

Oh and she's handy with a sword. How does she know HOW to fight with a katana anyway? *ponders*

The comedy parts are fun. Ken-chan is funny. Oh yeah, Ken-chan = severely overweight yellow parakeet with a tendency to shoot off his mouth. Lol.

And Garganchua looks/acts gay. Eh, whatever. What kind of guy dances around like some wannabe-ballerina (and I will NOT repeat the old joke of how most male ballerinas are gay...oops I think I just did. ^^) and postures like some 3rd-rate stage actor? Lol.

Anyway, back to the show. 3 more eps, I know there's going to be a depressing ending though. WTF with the "I will return as your child..." Eve needs to be whacked left, right and center for that. >__>

2006-09-18T21:15:00.000+08:00

Just decided on a whim that I really really liked the whole idea of an Alexiel/Lucifier pairing in Angel Sanctuary.

See, het pairing. ^__^

Meh...so few fanfic on it...*looks around shiftily* Hmm....

No no no...not thinking anything whatsoever. WHat could I possibly be thinking. No no...

Right. :)

Well back to DQVI for me. Ja!

2006-09-17T22:15:00.000+08:00

Man, am I on a Vincent Valentine spiel or what?

Any FFVII fan should understand the reference. If they don't, please eat Cerberus bullet. =P

Still, not half as bishie as Valentine. *shrug* Aw well. Not male either, but who cares?

Besides, I do have an annoying guest named Chaos in my head, just like the V-man.

Who are you calling annoying, brat?

Uh oh, here comes the Chaos-dude. ^^

Hmpf. I can't ever leave you alone for a moment, can I?

Why, whatever woould you say that? I've been a good girl. *halo*

Yeah like that cheap tin foil can fool me. *plucks halo*

Fine whatever. Do as you please.

Isn't that what I always do?

And so you do. Somehow I'm strangely unbothered by that.

By the way, I saw that little exercise in self-flagellation...again.

Oh you did? I wasn't really planning on hiding it this time.

I noticed. As if sadomachoism isn't enough, now you're an exhibitionist too?

Gee, you only figured it out now?

Oh, right. Almost forgot that part.

Getting senile in your old age, aren't you, Chaos?

Very funny dear. So what's up with the Vinny-impersonation?

I notice a certain lack of cape around myself, not to mention the decidedly non-goth image I have now. Or the claw, for that matter.

I didn't mean visual impersonation. That whole "sin" spiel is just too familiar.

Ahh, so that's what you were referring to. Nah, just one of those days.

I see.

That all you gotta say, Devil-boy?

Devil-boy?

Gotta mix it up a little sometimes.

...PMS must be making you weirder than usual.

Che. Tell me something I don't know about.

This obsession with your sin...you're really a good person underneath it all, aren't you?

Why, Chaos, how sweet of you to say so! Did you perchance get off the wrong side of bed today?

I'm being serious here.

I know, and it's freaking me out.

That alone makes it worth the trouble. *smirk*

And THAT'S the Chaos I know and love. Was gonna ring in the Paranormal Department for Invisble Friends to check if there was a glitch in the system or something.

You wound me with your observation, milady.

Ha. Ha. What lady?

Regardless, the perceived weight of your "sin" burdens you, does it not? Always wondering, "Will I be hated?" or "This is not right, the way I feel". The one who is hurting the most is you, and only because you cannot stop hurting yourself.

...why does this sound so familiar? *lightbulb* Oh, KnM!

...stop changing the subject. -___-X

Eeep. Continue. .___.

You accuse yourself, call yourself a sinner, abandon hope for your salvation...because you are afraid. Afraid of confronting your own problems, so you wallow in them, willingly debasing yourself.

Well, that sounds familiar...uh, shutting up now.

Afraid of being called a "good" child, a "kind" child, you react cynically, violently, when another calls you as such. You are afraid to let others know the real you, the gentle soul underneath the cavalier exterior. You view it as a weakness. You despise that portion of yourself, yet strive desperately to protect it.

Such a naive child. Isn't that what you're going to say next?

Yes. You are afraid that by being exposed as this good girl, you would lose all excuse for your misbehaviour and irresponsibility. Your "black sheep" image is no more than a smokescreen, an excuse for you to give up fighting for your ambitions, your pride. You...

...are no more than a spineless coward, a weakling who lost the way. Is that not what you wanted to say? Yes, I abandoned my pride, my ambition. I lost my way. I blinded myself willingly. Because I shook in fear at the thought of emerging into the world on my own. So I surround myself with illusions, to cage me in, protect myself, hurt myself some more...is that all you wanted to say?

...Yes. What happened to that fearless child I once watched over? Who had the world at her feet? Who was willing to battle for her dreams? You are not her, are you? Where has she gone then?

Yes, that girl. Once. Fear comes with age, they say. I grew cowardly as I grew older. That courage is dead. Buried somewhere. Can it be revived? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

You are selfish.

Are you only just beginning to realise that?

*chuckles* Of course not. I should have known...

...known what?

You've always been lying, haven't you? Lying to others, but above all, lying to yourself. Your pride is not dead. You still hate to lose, don't you? That's why you don't compete, you coward. You don't try because you're afraid to fail. Spineless coward, living in your own dreams. You're just a sore loser.

Oh very well. Reveal all my deepest, darkest secrets, will you? Che.

You won't live much longer like that, you know that, don't you?

I know. What do you think I wrote Broken Shards for anyway?

...a legacy? No...ghostwriting. You're writing for a life you never lived.

And never will, hopefully.

Of course. I really don't want you to die so soon, you know.

Do you really care for me at all?

Nah, just that if you died, I'd cease to exist. Kinda sucks and all.

You know what Chaos? I do like you too. Despite everything.

And you're an annoying brat. Infuriatingly so. But still adorable in your own bratty way.

Yeah I love you too, you great big oaf. Now go back to sleep.

Do I have to?

Yes, you do. We can talk later.

Talk? That's all we're gonna do?

I still need to get you back for that damnable dream this morning. I didn't need to wake up with that on my mind, you fiend!

Well, since you can't have the real thing, might as well... *shrug*

Get out of here now!

*dodges random flying object* Uh, k. (aside to audience: don't mess with PMS-ing women!)

And he's gone. Good riddance, there.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

*bows*

2006-09-17T17:40:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, I posted something that I wrote at the BJj forums, although I think it should really be in the SJA forums, but I'm being a bit nervous about posting it there...cold feet I suppose.

It was terribly sad. It was angst after all. I was terribly cruel, as usual.

You know, I actually liked Selene. The main focus of that little vignette.

But then again, I do tend to always hurt the ones I love.

THIS IS NOT ME!!! Selene had screamed. But it was too late.

I am evil after all.

Lamentations come to mind. But we won't forgive me anyway.

Selene should hate me. I just killed her partner. In the cruellest way possible.

Anyway, enough babbling. I provide the text for those who wish to view it.

Story

Warning: contains shoujo-ai (implied). Don't click if you don't want to read.

That said, I take my leave. *bows*

2006-09-17T17:10:00.000+08:00

Such a kind child really
Such an innocent child who cannot lie
Lying has its limits too

So beautiful it hurts
It's so bright...turn it off
The darkness that hoods those eyes

Take my face in your hands, feel it with your own two hands
How I look, who I am
See for yourself
This is who I am
What I am
Can't you see?

You are kind, so very kind
You taught me how to feel
And now, what is left?
I do not understand

You're so kind it's cruel
So cruelly innocent
I would hate you
I want to hate you
This is me
Who hates you so much

Your kindness, your gentle smile
What have you done to me?

I am not sorry
Not sorry at all
Not at all
No, I'm not sorry
Not sorry for hating you

See, this is what I have become
A cold hand caressing my cheek
I won't cry anymore
I will be strong
This is my promise
For hating you

The perfect you
That flawless image
That is you and not you
I hate you for being thus
Hate you for not being perfect

This illusion
I hold close to my heart
Is not you at all
It looks like you
Smiles like you
But is still not you

And I hate you
Because you're not the you I want
No one can compare

I won't fall in love
I can't
Because I already have

That perfect illusion
Not you, not I
Nor anyone else
Can't be lived up to

Tears...I won't shed them
So easy to crush
Yet no one ever sees

Smiling, laughing
A normal child
Not in love, nor in hate
Just another child
Who cares about a broken toy?

The mouth moves up and down
But no sound comes out
This is me

A broken toy
A broken doll
Shattered reflections
Against broken shards

That is what I am

2006-09-17T16:40:00.000+08:00

"You're so kind it's almost cruel.
...I want to become like you."

And that'll teach me NOT to listen to Last Night On Earth by Delta Goodrem while reading ShizNat doujins. Bad idea. Baaad idea.

Just like listening to agony by Kotoko is an incredibly bad idea when reading any mildly romantic fanfiction.

Oh great. Just when I said so, Last Night on Earth starts playing. It's on shuffle damnit! Why is WMP so evil?!?!

I want to cry. T____T The combination of the song + the emotions in the doujin is making me go POOF! *head explodes*

It's probably the hormones. Right, the hormones. Time of the month and all.

Nothing to do with the fact that the lyrics of LNOE fits the situation like a hand into glove. Not at all.

*thinks of Negi 100%*

Damn, that line...

Show me. Show me how much you love me. In your way. In your own way.
Show me...

What is it about those red eyes that make me want to cry everytime I see them? Seeing the sadness. The pain. The unshed tears. It makes my own heart throb in time with the pulses of pure pain that resonates from within those crimson pools.

Blood...

Hmm...the final page of Negi 100% fits exactly with the lyrics of LNOE. The Tours Vol 4 also fits in. It's sad. I'm sad.

Here's the translated quote paraphrased from one of the pages from Negi 100%.

That night...
She held me close, never loosening her grip
And neither did I let her go

As if we'd never been together
As if we'd never have the chance to be together
As if we would be together forever

One night of love
Always being together with that person by your side
So this is happiness...

Yes I've been exposed as a terribly big sap. So sue me. I am a girl after all. And a hormonal one to boot. I hate PMS.

Lol. But they make me sad. I love it, but they make me sad. They always bring tears to my eyes. Why? Why is that so?

Ara, who knows?

One does one's best. One will hold one's cards close and play them when it is time.

One is, after all, a sinful human being. Unlike all others, yet like everyone else.

With these sinful hands I have...

2006-09-17T15:00:00.000+08:00

I'm beginning to lose track of exactly who is in love with who. Oh hell.

It's becoming seriously convoluted...wonderful, ain't it? I like complicated plots. It adds to the rereading value. So I can understand the story better when I go through it a second time.

Still, it agrees with the way I view the world and God in general. It's strange really. How I view God is admittedly less harsh compared to the way God is being portrayed in the manga, but the principle is still there.

We're all His children. Human, angel, demon, all children of the Almighty. Demons, once, were angels too. We're all His creations.

Whatever. To lose the "self" and become one with God, that is the ultimate happiness, apparently.

Then why give us "self" in the first place? Why chain us by giving us "self"? If "self" didn't exist, we wouldn't have to be chained. We would just be a part of you.

How cruel then, our Almighty God. Forcing us to choose! To continue loving only you, when love itself is supposed to be unselfish...to be shared.

No. Love is a selfish emotion. The desire to...take, to possess.

The desire of humans to love and be loved...to chain and be chained, by each other's hands...

That is the "love" we share.

Oh mighty God! How far your children have fallen! Merciful Father! Omnipotent Creator! This is the work of your hands! You, who stood aside and watched your children suffer! All for your means...your wisdom shines upon us all, sinful children of God himself...

I've said this before and I''ll say it again: blasphemy is fun.

Yes I am a sinner. Yet we are children of this "God" who created us on some unknowable whim. Made in His image, once mud and clay, and with His divine breath brought to life...

Our Loving Father...Wise Creator...Almighty God...

No more than a cruel being. Love? He sacrifices his own Son for us! What does that say? That he loves us more? A cruel God, ruthless. That's what it means.

Cruelty like none other.

Let us live! Let us breathe! Let us be part of you!
Father, oh Father, why hast thou forsaken us?
Are we not all your children?
Yet you say we turned away from you.
We only ever wanted to be loved, that is all.
Can't hear your voice...
Is this what life is about?
We are so far away from you...and each other.
This is our sin.

2006-09-17T01:04:00.000+08:00

What is this? My lips...sings of sin, spills forth like tainted honey. Corrupted.

The light touch of a desecrating hand, to full ruby lips, the beautiful poison that stains that gentle light.

Love only me. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Look only to me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, bow down thyself to them or serve them.

My children...! Love thy God to the exclusion of all else!

That is the purpose for which I have made thee.

The carousel goes on spinning, whirling in perfect synchronisation.

This thing known as "love", a beautiful taint on the flawless blank slate.

This little thing, that has moved heaven and earth, that will overcome all obstacles...

This little thing...

...will be the destruction of us all.

Is that not true?

Let us then, as we always have, continue watching the scenes unfold.

For there is nothing we could have done anyway.

2006-09-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

Oh GREAT.

Why is everyone in-FUCKING-love with Alexiel??????????

Either that or they're in love with Setsuna. Or both. *coughKuraicoughNanatsuyacough*

Still, I find it hilarious that Lucifier is in love with Alexiel. XD

Back to reading! I can't wait! Haha.

2006-09-16T23:16:00.000+08:00

Wai~~~

I love Angel Sanctuary. Yeah I got the manga.

It's really more than the incest between Setsuna and Sara. It's not presented in a hentai fashion. They really really DO love each other. They just happened to be siblings, that's all.

And if you want to be really picky about it, they aren't even real siblings in their souls...after all, Setsuna was Alexiel before, and Sara was...*cough* Let's not spoil it.

XD

I just adore this manga. It has exquisitely twisted pairings, stretching even the definition of yaoi and yuri. After all, if one has a female soul reincarnated in a male identity, and then ending up in a female body no thanks to an "accident", is that person female or male or what???

...yeah I know, it's making my head hurt.

And I adore the warped reflections of the angels portrayed here.

Raphael, the beautiful one, reduced to being a lecherous womanising playboy who treats women with contempt, tossing them aside like toys after playing with them.

Michael, one of the archangels, a spoilt stubborn little boy with a volcanic temper and a small mind, with a craving for violence.

Metatron, the First of the archangels, a childish little boy with the innocence of newborn babe, willingly manipulated by others.

This is beautiful. Not to mention I love the artwork.

*squeals* Uriel, Angel of Death, is HOT.

...yes and he's male. See, I can also squeal over guys as I do over girls.

And since we've gotten to that, Alexiel is really really one gorgeous woman. Sigh. No wonder Rosiel loves his sister in that sick twisted way of his...although I think he's rather happy with Katan now. XD

(and yes Rosiel and Katan are both male...see, there's yaoi! haha)

Let's see, the others I really like are:

Sakuya Kira! He's hot! I like his hair. ^__^ I'm a sucker for hair like that.

And yeah, my weakness for pretty boys strikes agan. Sometimes I really wonder...

Katou Yue isn't so bad really, he reminds me visually of Sha Gojyo from Saiyuki, especially around the eyes, when he wears that bandana around his head. Kinda cool really, and the wi---*clamps hands over mouth*

Must...not...reveal...spoilers...

Lol.

Although my current favorite character has GOT to be Belial, alias the Mad Hatter. She's cool! Yeah, even though she looks like absolutely androgynous (flat chested to boot), but then again, this is a shoujo manga to begin with, androgynity is pretty normal.

*pauses* Wait, my favorite character is a female AGAIN?

...Damn. This time I thought it would be a guy too. Aw well.

Yeah, Belial kicks ass. Love the third person way of speaking, "one does one's best". Hehe.

And in the end, "one is a demon, after all". You tell them, Belial! Haha.

Meh, the plot is really engrossing. I really like this kind of story. Haha. The more twisted, the better.

And I particularly enjoy how the demons are portrayed. As they should be, they betray each other and even their own Lord, Lucifier, without a second thought, if only to serve their own desires. That's how demons should be, and I like how it's done here. There is no redeeming light for them, for they are fallen, ex-angels bathed in the taint of Hell.

Even Astarte, who for a few moments seemed like a "good person", was exposed to be truly mad, after all. Astaroth, the bloodthirsty brother, isn't much better. They're all insane down there. And I'm not too sure about Belial either, that twistedness of the love she bears for Lucifier, that "in the instant the love is gratified, it will be gone, destroyed".

All these fallen angels are a disturbed bunch.

...although, not like the angels still "up there" are in their right minds, either.

Rosiel is mad. Not really his fault there though. Katan went mad for awhile, but he got over it...or really? He's obsessed with Rosiel though.

Raphael is corrupt, Michael is volatile and unstable, Gabriel is "out of commission", Metatron is essentially a useless puppet...it goes on.

And what of the almighty God? Asleep, apparently.

The experimenter, who, regardless of the results, was obsessed with creating a replica of the holy Adam Kadmon, a blend of the positive and negative energy influences...and has only succeeded once, with the twins: Organic Angel Alexiel, and Inorganic Angel Rosiel.

Cain and Abel, reborn again.

Except Alexiel is Cain, and Rosiel is Abel. And this time, Alexiel couldn't bring herself to kill her dear brother Rosiel, who was so loved by God, and instead sealed him into the earth instead.

The Inorganic Angel Rosiel, whom God so loved, to the exclusion of his twin, the Organic Angel Alexiel. The one who was cast aside, forbidden to even enter Aziliuth, the heavenly plane, kept separate from her twin brother Rosiel.

All she had wanted was to be loved by God too. Was that too much to ask?

In the end, every character in the story just really wanted something to love. Even in their own twisted ways, warped and defiled as they were, they wanted to love and be loved.

No wonder this is a shoujo manga...

My other favorite character isn't even human, angel or demon. It's simply a spirit. Haha. Otherwise possessing "Sakuya Kira", the sword spirit, bound with Lucifel's soul...

...oh great, why do I always like the bad guys?!? Lol.

But then again, there are no good guys here in this manga. The closest person who come close to being "good" is Raziel. I would have said Katan, but some of his actions are a bit...hmm. He did, after all, sacrifice a whole bunch of innocent human lives in order to break Rosiel's seal.

Sara would be the next candidate, but look, she's in an incestous relationship with her brother. That makes the definition of "good" a little shaky, no? But doubtlessly, even with that, she is still an "innocent". Just like Kurai is.

And going back to the point of the manga where I am, at Volume 11...WTF Asmodeus is in love with Belial, who is herself in love with Lucifel/Lucifier who is *cough*

I said no spoilers damnit. Lol.

Ahh, whatever, time to get back to reading. ^__~

2006-09-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

Hmmm note the amount of "long stories" cropping up in the last post. Interesting, ain't it?

Someday, one day, I might sit down and actually share the long stories. It's come to the point that the number (and length) of the assorted long stories are starting to become inconvenient. Lol.

Still, long stories are fun...at least up to a point. I subject myself to any number of such so-called "inside" (waaaaay inside) jokes every day. That's why sometimes people see me smiling or chuckling for no apparent reason. So, really, I'm not psycho when I giggle inanely to myself sometimes. Something funny probably just occured to me.

Or I just felt like laughing. Who knows?

Ah, the wonders of youth. And yeah, again another inside joke/pun/reference. If I tried to explain every pun and reference I make, I'd never work my way through a sentence, much less a conversation.

Here's another nice one though:

BUTTOOOOOOOHN!!!!!!

*cough* Catch the 1st Maria-sama ni wa naisho to get what I mean. It's on Youtube.

The above is always good for a laugh or two. Or several. Just thinking of poor Yumi fumbling with the French pronunciation is amusement enough, apparently. Konks, since you take French, I guess it shouldn't be all too tough for you. I know I had problems too. Lol.

Now try this. Say the following very very quickly.

Rosa Chinensis en bouton petite soeur

For clumsy speakers like myself, I tend to stumble by the time I reach the "petite" part. Lol.

Ok here's the next challenge. Say all 3 lines very very quickly, one after the other.

Rosa Chinensis en bouton petite soeur
Rosa Foetida en bouton petite soeur
Rosa Gigantea en bouton petite soeur

~_~

...I wonder how Sachiko's VA does it so effortlessly? Practice? Maybe...

And all those uberly long names just referring to Yumi and Yoshino respectively. The third one doesn't exist for now because Sei (Rosa Gigantea) didn't take a petite soeur while in her 2nd year, only taking on Shimako in her 3rd year.

Ok for another round of "fun" references, I have...

Green tea!

Uh, lol. It's funny only if you watched Mai Hime. Anytime I see green tea, I think of my dear kaichou-sama, and hilarity ensues. Eh, whatever, I'm weird.

Giant mecha jokes that span to KnM are pretty much overdone though.

And I finally understood what Dekochin means. Examples of such people? Suzushiro Haruka/Haruka Armitage, and Toumori Shion. XD

*chants* Wiiiiiide shiiiiiny fooooooreheads~~

XD

Then there's the classic 'maki maki'. Hehe.

Of course, I snigger whenever I hear of either roses or lilies. Roses because of the whole Utena aftershock, as well as Marimite influences. Lilies, well, because yuri means lily in japanese. Capish? ^__~

Makes you wonder really, when Marimite's Student Council is called the Yamayurikai. *cough*

The kanji for the 'yama' part means 'mountain' I think. Well I do know a bit of chinese. So, 'mountain lily council'? *coughs* Whatever.

And I still crack up whenever I am reminded of the Eva/Marimite parody. XD

One fanart has Youko as Gendou (I KNOW!), with Sei as the Evil Henchwoman (TM).

One fan AMV parody...has Sachiko as Gendou. And Yumi as Ayanami Rei... >__>

Kinda fits if you think about it though...

And Touko (aka the Drill) as Shinji. And the Denpa as Asuka...although I'm not too sure, because Touko/Shinji pilots Unit-02, Asuka's red Eva.

...although the reason for that is because of Touko as part of the Rosa Chinensis family (aka the Red Roses), hence the color scheme. Whatever, overanalysing aagin.

Yoshino as Misato really got me though. XD They have the same exuberance. Although I HAD to wonder why Hasekura Rei ended up as Akagi Ritsuko...is the creator hinting at something? Lol. Ritsuko and Misato are close friends after all, just like Rei and Yoshino are close. ^^

Now I really want to see fanfiction starring the Marimite characters in Evangelion. Can you imagine? *cough* The Evas wearing skirts...O__O

Maybe either Jeff or Shane can pick it up...Jeff might be freed up after his Stopani/Marimite crossover, so who knows? XD

Ok enough insanity for one night. Ja!

2006-09-13T15:50:00.000+08:00

Hmm memorable lines.

Just, just think of it as my..."selfishness".

Long story. But it was a heartbreaking one nevertheless.

It's my fault......so you have done nothing wrong.

Can I take a moment to say how much I HATE this line? Especially when its applied to me. Again, long story.

There is no such thing as "miracles".

Made famous by a certain orange-haired Duelist. ^^

No one said no right?

This line made me want to cry in relief and just smile from the bottom of my heart. Again, looooong story.

Say my name.
Please...
Why? Why can't you ever...?

Ok I need to quit the angst. Again, this one's another long story.

What have you done?

...ok I swear this is the last angst bit for myself.

I am always thinking of you. Please do not forget it.

Ok I lied.

Let's go home.

There. Simple, sweet, hopefully un-angsty. Done for the day.

2006-09-13T11:42:00.000+08:00

Peeked at Melody of Oblivion (I watched a few eps on tv once), decided to give the series a chance and see if its worth buying/downloading.

Sat through 7 episodes wondering how many sleeves Bocca destroyed while resounding his Melos.

And finally someone over at the office realises that and gives Bocca a sleeveless outfit. See, wasn't that more convenient than trying to sew back your sleeve after wrecking it with resonation? Jeeesh.

Went all 'whoa' at the introduction of Toune. Well she IS pretty. No lez vibes off her, but she could very well turn others lez. Why? Explain later.

And not to mention that her Ivermachine's human form is totally cute. What a matched set. XD

Episode 8 we got to see Toune resound her Melos. Which was...ummm...O___O There is no other word for it. And its the scene where I thought would make guys drool and girls blink rapidly. Why?

---> Her Melos tattoo is on her thigh. Her INNER thigh. Like, under her already pretty short skirt level. And she has to draw her arrow over it. *coughs*

....not to mention that the resonation from the tattoo (hey remember it rips off Bocca's sleeve lol) makes her skirt fly up. Lol. So she draws her arrow over the tattoo with one hand(ugh why does it have to sound so suggestive?!?! Because it IS) and uses her other hand to hold down her skirt.

And the above action has the effect of making her look like she's orgasming. I'm not kidding. The pose is suggestive itself on its own, and the blush on her cheeks is NOT HELPING. At all. Ugh. Lol.

Fanservice is fanservice I know, but that's really taking it a tad far isn't it? Not to mention all the Gratitious Camera Angles that we get treated to throughout the episodes I've watched so far. Although when it comes to Toune my inner fangirl goes yay! Which exemplifies just how perverted I am I suppose. Lol.

And I refuse to talk about the faux bondage scene in episode 15. Refuse refuse REFUSE!

...damn Toune's hot.

Ahem. Moving on.

And just to tell you konks, it's not shoujo ai in any shape or form. There's one mildly yaoi scene in ep 1, but I don't think wanting to eat someone really counts as attraction really. And when I say eat, I do mean the type where you consume food. *cough* There are monsters in the show after all.

Geh. Much fanservice in the show. Overly top-heavy girls in certain episodes (Sayoko is one, but she's a permanent fixture to the team, so that doesn't count...I think). At least Toune is modestly (though still generously) proportioned without looking like something out of hentai fantasy land. Sigh. Overly busty girls = not my favorite form of fanservice. I keep thinking practical questions like how inconvenient it is...lol.

Well I still haven't gotten very far with the show. Still stuck at ep 10...and if you're wondering how I knew about the bondage thing in ep 15, um, let's say spoilers are fun. ^__^ Lol.

*goes out to save Toune pics*

2006-09-12T20:17:00.000+08:00

At the Beginning (greed edition)

We were strangers, starting out on a business
Never dreaming, what we’d have to go through
Now here we are, I’m suddenly standing
In the boardroom with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my purse
When I lost money, you were there to refund me
This is the start

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you

We were strangers on a crazy investment
Never dreaming, how our bets would come through
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
In the boardroom with you

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you

Knew there was some money, just where
A new good to plug
Now I know my shares will rise on
I’ve been plotting so long
Nothing’s gonna tear us apart

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you

Yeah

Wealth is a road that I wanna keep going on
Profit is a river, I wanna keep going

Starting out on a business

Wealth is a road that I wanna keep going
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
In the boardroom without you
===================================================================

Ok I just had to finish this. XD It was too hilarious to pass up, although some parts were hard to do. Back to real work then.

2006-09-12T18:19:00.000+08:00

I lurk and I lurk and I lurk all night~~
With a sneak sneak here and a peep peep there
I will lurk I will lurk til my hair goes whiteeeeeeeeeeee~~!!!

I am mad. Fear me. =P

Lil piece of randomness for the day.

NINJA SKILLZ!!! ---> Only a few people will recognise where exactly I'm referring to.

I dreamt of 50 cent coins! And picking 'em up! And some of them were the size of drainage covers! Wheeee!

And money is a thing that I wanna keep earning
Profit is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Wealth is a road, now and forever, wonderful money
I’ll be there when the dividends start coming
I’ll be gone when the credit is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the bank vault without you

Oh. My. God.

I rule.

XD

Now that I'm sufficiently destressed, I shall go eat dinner before I study. ^^

Ja!

P.S. I might transform the entire song eventually. And I do not own "At the Beginning". Just so, you know, disclaimers are good. XD

2006-09-11T14:05:00.000+08:00

Was thinking about explosive arrowheads on the walk back from the station.

I strolled, so I had a good half hour to just let my mind wander.

I was thinking, homemade explosive arrowheads? Why not?

Just add potassium and water...and BOOM.

Needs to be a fair sized chunk of potassium though.

And it's less conspicious than a fire arrow. The light of the flame practicaly announces your location if you're in the dark.

Still, it's more effective to use fire arrows for large groups of archers, since its faster and easier to create. Because a rain of flaming arrows usually cuts off responses from the other side, at least for a while.

Solo archers sneaking around might want to consider exploding arrowheads. Good as a distraction, and more or less useful to start off a small conflagaration if shot right. And you don't announce your location to one and all.

All those thoughts were running through my head as I paced my way home. I know, I'm weird. What kind of person thinks about how to manufacture explosive arrowheads without actually using explosives, and strategies on how and when to use them? Especially in this day and age...haha.

Even thought of a rudimentary design on how to make the arrowhead explode on contact instead of before it reaches its target. Involves rubber balloons filled with some water, large chunk of potassium, and a needle. Some tape, and there might be gum involved. XD If anyone is actually interested, get on MSN and ask me how it works. Lol.

Maybe I should patent the idea. Haha.

Still, water and potassium don't make a big enough bang. Perhaps hydrochloric acid...? But then the rubber ballon idea won't work. I need a new design. Now...what materials are acid proof? ^^ And preferably easy and convenient to work with. Haha.

One wonders about the randomness of my mind. If I had gone the science route, I'd have probably been inventing all sorts of wacky things that are probably useful but unnecessary.

...*suddenly thinks of Leonardo da Vinci for no apparent reason*

If you understood the above line and what it implies, kudos to you. If you don't, well, TOO BAD. Cos I'm not going to bother to explain. Unless you bug me, that is. Which I doubt you would. So there. =P

2006-09-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

Because I'm in a "let's share!" mood, it's time to make a list!

List of what? Um, things I want to reveal I guess. ^^

And heeeere goes! XD

1) I sing mushy love songs in the sanctity of the bathroom attached to my bedroom. *
2) I'm obsessed with peeling dead skin off my feet. ^^
3) I've been lugging around a green lizard stuffed toy named Chomps for the whole week. :)
4) I have been known to randomly yell "Materialise!" and then collapse into helpless giggles.
5) I have also been known to mutter "maki maki" repeatedly under my breath with a glazed look on my face.
6) Have also been known to point dramatically and say "YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!" to thin air.
7) I kill ants indiscriminately.
8) I have watched KnM's final episode a bazillion times in order to hear Himeko's cheesy and overwrought confession.
9) I have a secret obsession with seeing fast cars in a drift race. **
10) I watched Tokyo Drift in order to see Kitagawa Keiko...***

Notes:
* Mushy love songs being only Not Me, Not I and Lost Without You by Delta Goodrem. I don't sing other mushy love songs. What do you think I am anyway?
** Which implies I should probably watch the Initial D movie. But I won't. Because I can't stand Jay Chou. =P
*** Yes, even though she only had a bit part in the show. Kei-chan is just too cute/hot. XD Makes me wonder what I'll do if BoA starred in a movie...

Numbers 4-6 are obviously on crack. Haha. Sorry, those lines just keep getting me. I still can't get over the "YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!", bad pronunciation and all. XD And saying "maki maki" feels somehow carthartic. Don't ask me, weird girl with weirder obsessions here, remember?

Now if you'll excuse me.

2006-09-09T14:17:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want you or not. I don’t know if I love you, or if I’m just grateful to you for being the first to try and end my solitude. I don’t know if I feel happy because you’re my friend or something more. I don’t even know if I can be attracted to women.

Got that off a fic, and I KNOW, konks, I really shouldn't be putting it here anymore, but it just seems more in-character to put it here than there, if you know what I mean. Just go re-read that other blog, and you see a slightly different side of me there. It just wouldn't be right there, somehow.

And that above interlude is exactly what I love so much about the whole Shizuru and Natsuki relationship, this time from our dear Kuga-san's point of view. It just seems deeply appropriate, on all counts, and at all levels.

And to address the whole "no more shoujo ai slant" resolution I made before, well, I even told konks that it was ultimately impossible for me NOT to talk about shoujo ai, inadvertently or not, especially since this blog is about me and my often wayward thoughts, and my often wayward thoughts tend to stray down that alley, hence, this.

The only thing I can spare her is the extended rants on the merits (or demerits) or shoujo ai pairings and likewise related material. Which is the purpose of the new blog. However, if I want to rant about myself, and if it somehow contains shoujo ai material (well I reference events in my life to my current obsessions, which currently happens to be shoujo ai, so there), then it's just too bad.

And right now I just had a interestingly disturbing thought about a song from the Seramyu, can't remember the title, but it was by the Three Lights. Otherwise known as the Starlights. Also known as transgendering-aliens-who-look-like-they-just-stepped-off-a-porn-movie-set.

Don't ask. Just...don't.

Still, Shizuru reminds me of myself sometimes. I'm not even halfway as perfect, or as composed. Or as capable. Or as psychotic. Or as obsessed (thank god). Just something about the girl that touches me deeply. Maybe it's those red eyes, that look like blood. Kind, red eyes; crimson, obsessive, dangerous. Beautiful eyes.

Just, I understand.

>> Do you really hate me that much?

I even remember it in its original japanese form. Remember the pain. The desolation. And ultimately, that wilful self-delusion, the blindness. And there comes the acceptance...that godforsaken acceptance that it could never be.

Shizuru is Shizuru because she is perfectly flawed. No, that's not an oxymoron, you moron. :P Tunnel vision at its best, because she can only see one person. And because of that singular focus, she cannot see other things. Will do anything for her most precious person, yet not really seeing her, because Shizuru believes that it could never be, and thus does not comprehend that it could ever be, even if she daydreams about the possibility.

As you can probably tell by now, I'm very much a Shizuru fangirl. Her perfection, and her flaws, both draw me to her. I love her because she is perfect, but also because she is flawed. Because I can see into her psyche, watch the scenes unfold through her eyes, and feel that freezing undercurrent running a chill up my spine as I understood.

I love her because I would have been her in a different lifetime, a different lifestyle. Seeing that clear bright line from A to B, never hesitating to crush, literally, any and all opposition to reach her goal...and yet, when it came down to her and her MIP, she cannot make that final step, the perceived taint of her many sins holding her back, unable to reach out.

She is after all, afraid. Afraid of letting Natsuki see that tainted, sullied side of her, the blood on her hands. She has played too long that image of perfection to Natsuki, she does not know how Natsuki will react to seeing her true self.

So she hides. Until she breaks down. To her very limit.

And then she smiles. Even as her world crumbles around her, she smiles.

Because that is all she knows how to do.

...

I must apologise to you konks. I said no more mechanics of shoujo ai relationships, but here I am again. -___- But then again, this is more a discourse on character analysis, on a character who just happens to be openly and canonically lesbian.

Why am I making excuses? And I refuse to apologise. Because like Chengwei says, even apologising can be a selfish gesture, because we want to feel forgiven. It becomes an act of self gratification, so to speak.

Which completely detracts from the original meaning, naturally.

What wrong did I do here anyway? None that I can see as of now. SO why does that word "sorry" just slip out like a second breath, like a natural process?

Probably because one is too used to apologising, to trying to soothe over the situation with a simple, pithy word that would hopefully smooth over the tensions. It was much easier to take the blame, apologise, and move on; then to argue and chew over old soup as the fight degenerates into senseless scuffling.

I don't say sorry to make myself feel better. I say it to close the situation. To put a period at the end of the sentence. To just quit the haggling over just WHO was at blame for such-and-such problem. And anyway, most of the time it IS my fault, so apologising probably sounds like the right thing to do.

Callous? Wouldn't put it past me. In short, "sorry" is simply convenient. It ceased to hold much meaning a long time ago. Now it is merely a polite formality. Something that is expected, something that doesn't cost much more than the breath taken to say it. That's how I see it.

Still, the word "sorry" reminds me of forgiveness. Or at least, the request FOR forgiveness. That I take the whole tradition of apology as mere lipservice probably says a lot about my character, or about how I view the concept of forgiveness as a whole.

And then again, it reminds me of a conversation I had with Grace, who says that I'm painting myself to be a worse person than I really am. And she is right, as she usually is when it comes to me. Am I that transparent? Possibly.

Because, like Natsuki, I wear my heart on my sleeve, while simultaneously exuding an icy, forbidding aura while glowering in a way that would make Duran proud. Damnations. I really am an oversized puppy after all. Just like Natsuki herself is. No matter how much she denies the fact and tries to deathglare all witnesses into submission.

Beautiful flowers are meant to be loved, for they are doing their best to bloom in their short lives.

x__x Thank you for that insight Shizuru.

Supposedly, I take on the mantle of bad girl, black sheep, sometimes-delinquent (now doesn't sound familiar? Like one Yuuki Nao, perchance?). It is, after all, easier to play to such expectations than to disappoint others (and mostly, myself) should I choose to be that shining star in the sky.

高处不胜寒。

Damn right it is.

Still, Nao reminds me partially of myself. Actually, I am most like Nao, minus the bitter cynicism...(oh really?) Ok ok fine, with cynicism, just different in execution. Her issues with her mother is like mine, of course. Her anguished cries of "Mama!" after Shizuru demolished her Child Julia struck a nerve. That...was I'd have done. Then again, I will probably always have issues about my mom. She's far too important in my conception of the past to ignore.

Then again, I was speaking of taint. I play up the disturbed, highly intelligent, lost little girl side of myself. I'm not lying about that part of myself, per se. Exaggeration of an existing condition is not quite an all-out lie...eh right. Still. You get what I mean.

You know something is really wrong when you start identifying with admittedly crazy people. Which I am apparently doing.

After all, I have thought like Shizuru (while in psycho mode, no less), I have compared myself to Akio and Reito (the former of which is a fucktard, and the latter while in Obsidian Lord mode). I feel closely related to people like Kozue and Nao, and I angst like Juri (see: the locket).

Meh. I'm not really all that unusual (oh really?). Perhaps.

When it comes down to it, I am ultimately a nice girl (so everybody tells me). I'm just a terrible coward, is all.

And we all go yay-fucking-doo to the tune of Three Blind Mice, while tapping our feet in a vulgar imitation of the Nutcracker, without the elegance.

Isn't life grand that way?

2006-09-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

Color me confused, amused, blowing a fucking fuse.

It's all good, more food, no mood.

I'm going insane, rolling the main, trashing the train.

Cos rhyming is fun, I'm done, gotta run.

^__~

2006-09-07T23:21:00.000+08:00

*is tempted to quote Shizuru*

"Ureshii..."

It was translated to "I am fufilled" although i think the translation of "I am glad" is probably more accurate. Meh.

Just wanted to pop by and say that. Not that I actually mean it. Just wanted to say it.

*quotes Kaname and points dramatically in random direction*

"YOU ARE THE CHUZEN ONE!"

Typo fully intended.

Bah, hang it all.

2006-09-07T22:17:00.000+08:00

Lost Without You by Delta Goodrem

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes (I say)
A little righteous and too proud
I just wanna find a way to compromise
Cause I believe we can work things out

I thought that I had all the answers
never givin in
but baby since you've gone
I admit I was wrong

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
how am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
if we ever say we'd never be together
in the end you wave goodbye
dunno what I'd do
im lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is im lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blurs
baby I'm so lonely all the time
everywhere I go I get so confused
your the only thing thats on my mind

On my bed so cold at night
I miss you more each day
only you can make it right
no I'm not too proud to say

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
how am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
if we ever say we'd never be together
in the end you wave goodbye
dunno what I'd do
I'm lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you

If I could only hold you now
make the pain just go away
can't stop the tears from running down my face (ho)

All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
how am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
if we ever say we'd never be together
in the end you wave goodbye
dunno what I'd do
I'm lost without you

I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is im lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
an all I know is
I'm lost without your love
I keep trying to find my way
and all I know is
I'm lost without you (oh)
I'm lost without you
=================================================================================

Somehow, exceedingly appropriate. Call it my 2nd theme. Although I bet that Innocent Eyes actually speak more about me than this song. This one, just oddly appropriate.

Thankfully, only Kanai and Chengwei know what I mean. And as for the song Innocent Eyes, well, it's like me. Just like me.

Here's a few lines that really got to me though.

Do you remember when you were 15?
And the kids at school called you a fool cos you took the chance to dream

Well that brings back memories.

I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you won’t grow old in a place you won’t feel cold

Perhaps that's how I really feel.

For the little girl inside who won’t just hide
Don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
My innocent eyes

That "little girl inside" really struck a nerve, I tell you.

Seems I’m lost in my reflection

Isn't that right?

Another song I like is Predictable. And yeah, I did buy the album. It was on sale, so why not?

The other tracks were average. I haven't really warmed to them, probably need a few more spins to get used to them.

Ahhhh. Of all songs to come on, that silly insert song from Jubei-chan 2 shows up. The song that always makes me feel like bawling. Ahhhh. Lol.

*clicks Next* Because I know better than to tempt fate that way.

Ok, so Yuna Ito's I'm Free is technically a better choice. It is upbeat after all, and konks said that I should try to keep myself happy by listening to upbeat songs. Lol.

Ok, gotta go now. Want some alone time.

Come to think of it, no matter how many people I'm surrounded with, I'm almost always inevitably alone.

Is that how you felt too? My beautiful, untouchable Kurenai. Same too, to the Beautiful Leopard. Is that how both of you felt? Because, truth is, both of you are deathly afraid, are you not? You lost your innocence, and are afraid of tainting the ones you love, so you shut yourself away, a beautiful princess in a high tower. How well I understand then! Or not. I am but a poor imitation, is all.

But I, too, understand what it feels like to be tainted. To sink deeply into forbidden depths. Oh Shizuru, did you weep within when you plunged into forbidden waters, only to be cruelly shunned afterwards? That sin, even if never realised in reality, weighed heavily on your mind, did it not? You feared so deeply of rejection, as did the Panther herself. Yet you both walked on, kept going, a pillar of strength in both your own rights.

No matter how you fell, collapsed, withered, after it was all over, you picked yourself up again and kept going. And that is what I love of you both.

Strong, yet so very fragile. Unwavering, yet so easily crumbled. Capable, yet in the end defeated by yourselves. Isn't that the truth?

We all have our little sins, I said to Kanai once.

And perhaps, that is all I have to say, im the end, when the recriminations come.

No more excuses.

2006-09-07T21:01:00.000+08:00

Such a gloomy look on my previous post.

Then again, I am completely unsurprised. Such things happen frequently. Or actually, less frequently of late.

Been devoid of some excellent angsting time for quite a while now. Not that I actually miss it, mind. I'm not THAT much of a sado-machioist, thank you.

Just one of those days where I just want to brood a bit I suppose. Wonder what brought it on?

*mentally traces events of the day*

......

Oh. That.

Well, what can I say, I'm whipped. Maybe it's more than that? I want to ask a question really.

If I decide never to come back here, home, what would happen?

How much would they miss me? It makes me almost wonder what people would say of me at my funeral. I am after all, on many levels, a very difficult person to completely forget. And I do not say this purely out of narcissistic self-promotion.

On the superficial, physical side, my height is a factor to that impression. I am unusually tall for an Asian girl, taller than most of the guys around me. Due to the unfortunate circumstances of my height, I ended up feeling strangely awkward around both boys AND girls, since guys are either always either making fun of my height, or whining about it. Or both. As for girls, some of them view me with an almost amused eye, while others randomly glomp me and/or use me as a measuring ruler to see if they want their future boyfriends to be around my height. The "randomly glomp" part has thankfully subsided since coming to JC, but that might have something to do with my habitual disappearing acts into either the library or some other isolated spot whenever break time occurs. Oh, and my less than welcoming countenance might also have contributed to that effect as well. Still though, my height does tend to make an instant impression. Unfortunately or not. Sigh.

On another level, regarding the academic side, I am widely acknowledged to be a genius. Or at least, someone with an above average intelligence. That automatically puts me on the teachers' radar after I make my intelligence known during lessons (usually with my contributions). Sometimes I wish I knew better than to open my mouth. If I just remained quiet and pretended to be stupid, maybe things would have been less annoying. But then again, idiocy annoys me even more, and after watching the vast majority doing their best to emulate a mute during discussions, my patience has its limits. I know I'm not being very diplomatic, but sometimes it just irks me.

Of course, there is the thing about my chronic irresponsibility. That, unfortunately, also puts me onto the teachers' radar. So even if I don't get their attention the first way, I get their attention via this route too. As of now, I have garnered the attention of my superiors (why did I put it in italics? heh) from both of the abovementioned ways.

Not to mention, of course, that I am rather unusual in both thought and action. Possibly because I adore being unconventional so much that I come across as rather...odd, at times. And then, sometimes, I fluctuate more than a readout of erratic cardiac movements. I can be absolutely weird, or absolutely fluffy and normal. Of course, I'm fluffy over unusual things as well. Eh. Right.

Still, I leave impressions on my teachers. Some pleasant, some less so. Going back to QSS on Teachers' Day really brought home that fact for me. My teachers are inordinately proud of me (which makes me feel guilty, and rightly so), and even though Ms Soon ribs me on how I used to ditch my A Math homework (oddly, I got an A1 for E Maths though lol), I can still sense that she is proud of me as a student. Sometimes I don't think I deserve it, but it seems somehow right that she would remember me for my writing ability and my ambition to become a writer (I dunno how to say this, but somehow she almost reminds me of a proud mother showing off her child when she referred of my forays into serious writing to another teacher who has never taught me).

Maybe, someday, I can bring back a book I wrote and published back to school and hand it personally to her. And thank her for everything she's done for me.

In many ways, even though I disdained QSS as a school, I have met many nice people there. The teachers, the students, and I think even though on some level my academic development suffered, I think I grew up more as a person. I still have a very long way to go though, that's for sure.

As for my current school, I am grateful towards some of the teachers there. But the people...? Some are worth the trouble. Some are not. I wonder why I've never warmed up as much to them somehow? Or maybe its because I cling too much to my old friends? It would make sense, actually. After all, when I went to QSS, I had nothing. Literally, nothing. No friends, none that I retained from either NYGH, or from my primary school. Maybe it left a void that was more easily filled.

And coming to a new environment...I don't know. Maybe QSS was different in that people actually tried to make friends with me. In a way, maybe my JC experience taught me that I should not expect the same. If I wanted friends, I would have to reach out for them.

But then again? There are too many differences between me and them. I can associate with them, chat on a purely superficial level. But friends? I don't really think so. While I believe its possible for people who are different to be friends, I'm just sick of trying to find common topics though. People like Qianling and Wanjing, when we meet up, we can just laze around and say nothing. With others, not saying anything seems somehow odd. Lol.

I must say right off at the outset that honestly speaking, I am very different from Qianling, Wanjing, and even Erika (in some ways). Yet we are good friends. I am friends with Kanai and Chengwei because of how similar I am to them, and in Kanai's case, to the point that I want to adopt her as my little sister. Haha. I'm comfortable with my little circle, and maybe I really need to break out of my comfort zone to reach out to others, but if I don't have to, I really won't. Ah well. I can talk to people, make them feel at ease, yet can never feel really at ease myself.

Ok, I will stop here. Will post something else later.

Feeling strangely off. Just wanna keep walking.

Anyway, I'm off. Ja.

2006-09-07T20:17:00.000+08:00

What does it mean to love? I have no idea.

I am a terribly selfish person, sad to say. I have hurt the people who, undoubtedly, love me, because I only cared about my own feelings, and not theirs.

What person would I fall in love with? What kind of person would I be able to love?

A pertinent question.

For falling in love and loving someone mean two different things. Learnt that the hard way. Love is terribly confusing to the uninitiated, yet at times it is so painfully clear that it hurts.

How many times must I tell myself that I could possibly be in love with that person? Do I love that person? In my own way, perhaps. But then again, I save a peculiar affection for all of my close friends. Chengwei mentioned that I make friends very carefully. And so I do. And because of that care, I make stronger attachments to my friends than what is normal, perhaps. Or not. I simply treasure them greatly. That is all.

I could not possibly be in love with another. The only thing/person/entity that I could be in love with is myself. I'm too much of a narcissist for it to be any other way.

Saying that you did something for the sake of someone else sounds very noble, but it is also very selfish. Because in doing so, you place the responsibility of your action on that person as well. I hope that I have never said or done that to someone. My dad does it to me on a regular basis though. Everything he does, he claims, he does it for me. I don't dispute the veracity or sincerity of the claim. I am simply annoyed that I have to bear the burdens of his sins in this indirect way, alongside the sins of which are of my own making.

Yet I am perhaps grateful that he values me this greatly. Perhaps. It is a burden though, a burden I must bear. Loving someone is apparently difficult. I can tell you that being loved by someone you, at the very least, care about is not an easy task either. It would not have been a problem if you do not care about the person who loves you, but if you do, then the love becomes a burden if you are unable to return it.

I am not explaining it well, I think. Let me try again. When someone loves you, truly loves you, they will not be asking for any reward whatsoever in return for their love. But we are all human, and no one can dispute that we would like a little acknowledgement, no matter how slight or insignificant, to show that the person we love actually noted and cared about the little gestures you lavish on them.

It is perhaps guilt then, that motivates me to believe that the love lavished on me has become a burden. I am, as I have said before, a very selfish person. Before all else, everything and anything is secondary to my own personal well-being. It is lamentable to note that I, one who has known the loss of a deeply loved one, still takes the love of another so lightly, or for granted.

But then again, it is probably the fact that, having known loss, the instinctive reaction would have been to protect oneself from experiencing the same pain. Hence the resentment, the rejection of the love that has become a burden to oneself, because deep down, the child hopes that if one did not love as deeply, maybe when the inevitable loss comes, the pain would not be as intense.

I do not know if it actually works that way though. Does denial of love equate not-loving at the same time? I don't suppose so. Yet, the continual reminder that inevitably, they would one day leave us is a sufficient deterrent towards forming the kind of all-consuming attachments that threaten to swallow us within it. Or perhaps, it would teach us to treasure the times we share together before the destined parting.

I do not know. I feel that I do not know anything anymore. My head hurts when I think of such deeply confusing matters. I would rather debate on the viability of the multiple world theory, or engage in pleasant discourse regarding creationism vs evolutionism, then soliloquise over the matters of the heart. Somehow, love is possibly the most baffling thing known and unknown to mankind at the same time. It is undefinable, unquantifiable, immeasurable and ultimately indescribable.

My head is spinning, and the heart hangs heavily in the middle of my chest. I know nothing. What I do know, however, is that I'm incapable of love, simply because I am unable to overcome my own vanity and that of the shadows that haunt my heart. Simply, truly, honestly, I cannot return true love, because I know nothing of it and am unable to recreate it for anyone else.

A child is able to love unconditionally. An adolescent, such as I am, loves selfishly. A true adult, however...I cannot remember the full quote, sad to say. Perhaps that is significant in itself.

I do not want to be selfish, yet I am. I want to be loved, and I am, but yet I cannot seem to return the feeling with the same intensity. I try and I try to remember to let them know that I do appreciate them, but somehow, in the midst of being obsessed with myself, I keep forgetting. Perhaps I do not want to care about them, but it is undeniable that on some level, I do. I just don't want to have to do anything about it, selfish person that I am. Being loved, after all, is easier than loving someone. No matter how much of a burden it places on us.

Suppose then, I stride on, my head held high, defiantly against the norm, yet completely uncertain of who I was, who I am, and who I am about to become. Isn't it exciting? Only if one is an adventurer at heart. Or just simply fond of risks.

Sometimes, in life, we just gotta close our eyes and make that leap forward. Looking before we leap might be a good idea, but looking too much might stop one from ever leaping forward. Perhaps it is time to strike a balance.

~Owari

2006-09-07T17:26:00.000+08:00

I wonder what it's like to dream of blood, to taste it on your lips, to see and smell it on every article of food consumed.

I wonder what it's like to feel the sick nausea rising like a gathering wave, boiling out of a traitorous stomach to overflowing. To empty the contents of one's own stomach, even where there was nothing left to empty. The sick, disgusted feeling of filth and dirt staining one's own unworthy self.

I wonder what it's like to see blood and flames rise and waver as a solid illusion amidst clouds of benign steam. To watch the twitching tendrils of ethereal memory claw and wring at one's helplessly scarred, quivering form.

I wonder what it's like to smile when there is nothing left, quavering lips set to illusionary perfection, haunting beauty to blind the unwary eye. To speak softly in tones of silky steel, firm yet reassuring to one's most precious person, a picture of strength where there was nought but a toppling house of cards.

I wonder what it's like to lie on sheets tainted a pure, deceiving white, eyes shut to hide beguiling crimson, the stain of rust and blood mingled, seeking absolution for a horrifying past of sin and lies, even as the pale body lay leeched of the pink of health, suffering its own retribution for unforgivable transgressions. To be in possession of a sharply ruthless mind, excellent in execution, the instrumentalist of countless souls lost, hidden within that mesmerisingly elegant perfection, now laid out in an almost funereal fashion as life itself rejected that delicate beauty.

I wonder, I wonder. I do so wonder what lay behind endless pools of gentle maple, of what lay within the genteel smile that broke a thousand hearts. I wonder about the sheer glory of that flawless perfection within her essence, and I wonder about the warrior's soul that lay in slumber within that deceptively fragile form, ready to be awoken at a moment's notice.

I do so very wonder, who are you, oh beautiful one, temptress and assassin both. That mask of winsome fraility hiding dangerous capability you wear, such a tempting combination. I feel like I have never known you, despite how much I wonder, how much I watch. Indeed, I do wonder if you know that I'm watching...undoubtedly that you will, sly fox that you are.

I wonder if I'll ever know you, Kurenai. Perhaps, one day...?

A tribute to someone I admire deeply. Names are not necessary.

2006-09-06T18:04:00.000+08:00

Ah, the excesses of youth.

No, I don't get what I'm saying either. Or maybe not. Who knows?

Roses are pretty. Really they are. I like cake.

XD

Actually I don't, you know. Like cake, I mean. Just quoting a semi-famous fanart. ^^

Just another pointless, meaningless post to my blog. I entertain myself in the most unusual fashions. Well, gotta find a way to amuse myself occasionally.

*poke* Roses are wonderful. My favorite is white. ^^ Why white? Why, go see Marimite.

Hey that rhymed! XD

Rose red, rose blue, Hallard holds a blue rose too. ^^

Ok, I'm going freaking crazy. Ja ne!

2006-09-05T02:26:00.000+08:00

Lol Kanai and I have been working on a RPG scenario + gameplay.

Came up with a killer final boss (probably going to be a nightmare fighting it...I don't think I want to play that part lol).

And we were working on back story. I was the one coming up with most of the details after konks gave me the framework and kept on feeding random ideas to nudge me along. I'm a story machine on my own. Lol.

And I'm here because she suggested that I post up some of the quotes I accidentally came up with along the way. :P

Enjoy. And try figuring out what we're talking about.

Maybe he could sense something about her, something different, that drew him to her. But 15 year old boys are hormonal, so he could really just be horny for the dominatrix-y fake Hikara.

XD

Argh plot bunnies. Konks just threw another one at me. Maybe she's my muse tonight. Haha. What does sex and murder have to do with each other? Flashbacks. Heh.

And then there's the whole love-hate thing Hikari has. Not being able to love properly, her jealousy often getting in the way, or simply her confusion when it came to love...or lust.

Her relationship with Mitre probably stems from how she's obsessed with the image of her dead sister Hikara. Obsessed to the point of wanting to taint and crush the perfection of the image.

Conflict is at the core of Hikari. I believe she loves her sister, deep down, but it was twisted to hate by childish jealousy. She wants to be like her sister, but can't stand the perfection that she stands for, hence the dressing up as fake-Hikara, but completely twisting the real Hikara's personality to something more sordid.

Alright, too many spoilers present here already. Gosh. I'm on an adrenaline rush. It comes with intense mental activity on psychoanalysing characters. I'm gonna regret this tomorrow morning when the headache strikes. Sigh.

Well, I should go now. Ja!

2006-09-04T20:46:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling kinky now, and it's all Hyori's fault.

The song "Hey Girl" always has a peculiar effect on me. Haha. Maybe it's the effect of Hyori's voice. She sounds like something out of a porn movie. No, I don't want to explain. And no, I have never watched porn. It's just my impression of how voices in a porn movie would sound like...uh yeah.

Of course, reading a bondage humor fic had nothing to do with the whole situation. Absolutely nothing at all. You believe that, don't you?

...don't answer that.

2006-09-04T16:53:00.000+08:00

*goes stark raving mad*

It's just one of those days. One of those weird days.

*grins crazily*

*must...resist...urge...to...*

MAKI MAKI!!

...forget it. Lol.

2006-09-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

Lol.

My Tarot Card equivalent is The Hierophant:

Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.

How strangely appropriate.

And my Rune...(different identities spawn different ones)

By my birth name...

Ken is the rune of light and knowledge, driving away darkness and ignorance and revealing hidden truth. This rune also brings forth images of friendship and comfort. Ken is the light of inspiration, the light of imagination, and a beacon in the darkest hours.

So this is me huh?

By my English name...

Wunjo is the rune of Joy. Since joy is least frequently a solitary emotion, this rune often represents mutual or communal bliss. Wunjo is also seen as a rune of the gods and a rune of perfection, carrying with it the elation that blazes from the creation of a perfect work - perhaps this is the true joy of the gods, that they can create perfection. That aside, this rune does not focus on the struggle for perfection or on our inevitable imperfections, but rather on a job well done and the satisfaction that comes from it.

Joy and perfection? Heh.

By my author alias...

Man represents Mankind. This rune evokes the image that although we must make much of our way in the world on our own, there is nevertheless an entire populous that shares similar experiences. Thus, this rune represents the relationship of the self with the whole - working together we can produce great results. Additionally, Man speaks to intellect and culture that separate us from the animals.

How very appropriate for the persona.

Now for my latest alias...

Ger is one of the runes that touches on the cycles of the year, in this case the fall harvest. These cycles are eternal, which is represented in the rune by the fact that it is unchanged by reversal. Ger can represent pregnancy or other forms of fruitfulness, and is especially indicative of the cycles of providence and karma - that which has been sown is now being reaped. This rune can also represent the cycles of wealth, for crops were frequently a sign of wealth.

Hmmm.

Now lemme look at konks's Tarot and Rune. XD

The Lovers: A caring and trusting relationship. Beauty and inner harmony. A decision calling for emotional control and faithfulness to spiritual values.

Inguz is the rune of completion and fertility. The presence of this rune suggests that tasks which have been initiated will come to fruition. This rune is associated with Ing and Frey, it is this connection that explains its connotations of both fertility and sexuality. The variant of this rune shown here is reminiscent of the twin strands of life, and of the challenge and rewards of bringing together things complimentary.

LOL @ the Tarot result. XD And interesting Rune result too. Suddenly the whole "wife" thing makes sense. Haha.

Let's go see the other results of my friends...

O___O Erika got the same Tarot as me, the Hierophant. And the rune...*snickers* Of wealth, fertility and children? *snickers some more*

Chengwei got the Wheel of Fortune: The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness.

How fascinating. And hey I like the rune he got. Ah damn.

Oh wait, my dad got the Wheel of Fortune too. Lol.

My mom got Justice. How right.

Btw, my one of my birth mates is Albert Einstein. Now isn't that just peachy. Hehe.

Unfortunately, George W. Bush is also one of my birth mates. Bloody hell. Still, the rune he got, that is, of Tyr, is incredibly appropriate. Symbol of the warrior huh? Victory with sacrifice? Darn right it is.

I think I like the rune of my original given name the most. After all, a rune for light and knowledge says a lot about me. Light of inspiration, imagination and beacon in the dark? Darn cool. Not to mention the connotations of friendship and comfort. It does describe me to a T. Lol.

Got a quick peek at my cousin's Tarot. Wtf she got the same Tarot as me. Lol. And also her rune is that of Tyr, the warrior. Haha!

Ok enough fun for one night. Time to leave!

2006-09-03T15:44:00.000+08:00

I know that if Kanai were on right now, she would tell me not to think too much into certain matters. Even Chaos, that irritating little bugger, is telling me not to make links between remotely connected dots...or completely unrelated, as it may turn out to be.

Still, I can't seem to get away from the sneaking suspicion that my whole life is playing out like a badly written soap opera, complete with cliched situations where meanings are misunderstood or when people deliberately misread connotations for the heck of it.

For it certainly seems to be that way now. I need to stop reading fanfiction perhaps. It's making me look for meanings where there might be none in real life. Sure, in fanfiction, or any fiction for that matter, close reading (argh PC!!) pays off because everything means something. Literally. Well, maybe. Sometimes I'm not even aware of the meanings of some of the things I slip into my own writing. Meh.

So, the cause of my current dilemma? One line. One. Freaking. Line.

The biggest changes in our lives stem from the smallest, most insignificant things.

And so I'm going to continue telling myself that it really doesn't mean anything, that the line doesn't refer to me in any shape or form, that the world doesn't revolve around me (yeah right we all tell ourselves that). Hopefully it really doesn't. But then again, if it does, we're both just going to ignore it and pretend that everything's perfectly fine, all the while being deathly afraid that the other will never ever think the same way about us. Sounds dreadfully familiar actually.

Excuse me while I adjourn to read some ShizNat fanfiction. It seems wholly appropriate at this point. Ja!

2006-09-03T02:15:00.000+08:00

Quote before I go.

"I'm playing metroid zero mission on the DS. It's like sex. But...better."
"Like you'd know. =P"
"Let he without virginity cast the first stone."
"And stone I shall cast...and have, sir. :) You have much to learn, little one."
"BLARGH! I AM PWNED!"

Excerpt of a convo on the SJA forums. I love these people to bits. Witty conversations are fun.

The line "Let he who is without virginity cast the first stone" shall be honored with a place within my memory banks. Along with "BLARGH! I AM PWNED!". :P Don't ask.

Goodnight!

2006-09-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

Just realised that if I stop ranting about shoujo ai here, I would have a severe lack of things to blog about. Lol.

Was watching Wolf's Rain earlier, and I realised I really like the art and the soundtrack. The plot moves along rather slowly, but I guess the other things make up for it.

And no Kanai, just because I excise shoujo ai content doesn't mean I can't talk about other anime. :P

Or about Hyori, for that matter. *wipes drool* Thanks for sending the video by the way. Like, whoa. I knew Latino dancing was hot, but with Hyori, the hotness quotient went off the charts. It's that bad. Or that good. Whatever.

And no, I did not nosebleed. *has built up some immunity* The PV helped. Lol.

Still, scarily seductive. Am tempted to quote Rei from a fic. "Mmm, those legs!" :P

Haha though, can't believe your friend lent you Stopani on DVD. Hehe. But episodes 1-3 are kinda slow and not very interesting. Plot advances don't happen until episode 7 or so. And the really interesting parts start kicking in after episode 17 or so. Gotta be patient to get to the good parts I guess.

Oops, probably shouldn't go into more detail here. Meh, I shall adjourn to the other blog. Ja!

2006-09-01T23:53:00.000+08:00

People, I have an announcement to make.

As of today, I'm going to stop making extended shoujo ai rants on this blog. Kanai said it was exhausting to read through all of that, so I'm starting another one to squee over yuri pairings and anime without interruption. Haha.

But I'll still post here about other things. Anime-wise, maybe regular stuff. Like Wolf's Rain. I never did finish watching it. Haha.

I like the song Could You Bite The Hand?. Wolf's Rain has great songs in it. Like Gravity, Stray and Heaven's Not Enough, to name a few. ^^

Anyway, I'm getting a bit sleepy. Night then!

2006-09-01T13:24:00.000+08:00

OMG.

Sakuragi Kaori, you are the WIN. You have my respect.

Finished episode 21, and I have understood in greater detail why Shizuma loved Kaori so much. For a young girl, she sure is mature and what-not. Oh god, this is good. She has never physically been in the show, but good lord, she is simply the BEST.

I loved her final letter to Shizuma. I can only say this: Well, FINALLY! Jeesh. The only one who can possibly snap Shizuma out of her haze is obviously Kaori alone, and she's dead, so the letter will have to do. Lol. Still, why place the letter in such an inconspicuous place? They took 2 years to find it, damnit. Why couldn't she have just passed it to Miyuki or something so that Shizuma could have come to terms earlier instead of moping around and acting all vampire-ish for 2 years. Sigh.

Sigh. Miyuki. Poor poor Miyuki. Always the crybaby, as Shizuma gently points out. Awww. Strong, tough seitokaichou of Miatre, still just a crybaby. I find it endearing though. It shows that she's still human under that exterior of duty, duty, and more duty. XP

I find it marginally amusing that whenever they flashback to scenes of Kaori and Shizuma together, Miyuki will be hovering in the background, playing chaperone, caretaker, and silent cheerleader all at the same time, without being obstrusive. I think the practice does help. Lol.

Omgosh. Love Kaori. Look at her words.

Being at your side, there should be someone who's silently supporting you. And so, open your eyes and look around. All around you, there'll surely be a brand new world. There'll surely be a reunion.

Shizuma, I love you. Shizuma, please free yourself. Retain what I've always loved about you. The beautiful, strong, perfect, free you. Forever and ever. Please, Shizuma.

Kaori

The girl is clairvoyant, I tell you. <__< She knew Shizuma would have difficulty moving on. Well I'm not surprised. Kaori is an amazing girl. Nagisa doesn't even come close. Pfft.

Still, I get the distinct impression from her final words that Kaori would have liked for Shizuma to turn to Miyuki, maybe even fall in love with her. I think, if Shizuma had receieved the letter two years before, that could have been a possible scenario with no Nagisa in the picture to worm her way into our dear Etoile's heart the way she has.

After all, Miyuki has always been there for her, trying to preserve what little normality there was left as Shizuma fell into pieces after Kaori's passing. I think that's what's with Miyuki's insistence on pushing work onto Shizuma. Miyuki didn't dare to reach out to Shizuma to try and take Kaori's place in order to comfort her, probably because she knew that she had to get married after graduation and didn't want to break Shizuma's heart again if that happens. So she went another way and became all "duty duty duty" just to occupy Shizuma's time from brooding too much over Kaori. Well that didn't work TOO well, but it was an effort I guess. What else could she have done in that place of hers anyway?

More than best friends, but not lovers. I think that's how Miyuki and Shizuma are going to be. Shizuma even acknowledges just how important Miyuki was to her in her life.

"I don't mind having a crybaby by my side. So please, stay by my side forever."

Oh my gosh. *huggles teddy* That could almost have been a confession of love, except that it wasn't. You know, hence the 'more than best friends, but not lovers' thing I said about the two of them.

"You're my friend, the only one I trust. I can't live without you.

I...need you."

See what I mean? Good lord, that could have been taken out of context for a fanfic. But I won't twist it around, even if deep down, I ship the Miyuki/Shizuma pairing. It's just so bittersweet, this part of the episode. It both opens and closes the door for a Miyuki/Shizuma pairing. And what do I mean?

Simply, Shizuma wants Miyuki to always be by her side AS A FRIEND. Miyuki herself may like to have more, but she's more than happy to keep it along those lines as well, due to her own obligations after graduation. I think Miyuki has loved Shizuma ever since 1st year, and for the exact same reasons that Kaori fell in love with Shizuma as well. Strong, beautiful, perfect and free. No wonder Kaori would have wanted Miyuki to take her place in Shizuma's heart after her death. Well it didn't happen that way, but well...life is like that.

So in a romantic sense, Miyuki and Shizuma don't have much hope in crossing the line to become involved in that way. However, that door is still capable of being opened, that is, if things don't work out between Nagisa and Shizuma, Shizuma might once again turn to Miyuki...and well, anything could happen. But I seriously doubt it. And I really wouldn't want that to happen to Miyuki. Because I love her too much to let her get Shizuma on the rebound. Sigh. Because I know it hurts.

On a happier note though, for any future fanfics I write in the Stopani universe, they are invariably going to be Miyuki-centered. I might even try my hand at a Miyuki/Shizuma multipart, if possible. I think I'll spare Miyuki from the angst as much as possible. She really needs a break in fanfics. Lol.

And my favorite lines of dialogue today:
"Miyuki. No matter what, you're always a crybaby." (she says this rather affectionately actually)
"So what if I am?"

Miyuki rocks. Kaori rocks. And Shizuma is starting to rock on again. Witness how she unleashes her vampire skills and sneaks up on Amane for a last-minute pep talk before vanishing in an instant (I'm serious, how the heck did she move so fast???) to reppear at the entrance of the church. And Amane was about halfway inside the church before that. Life, wtf? Lol.

Still, Amane looks to be getting a personality development. Well, finally! It certainly took them long enough. Sheesh.

Now that I think about it though, episode 21 has just inspired me to write another Miyuki/Shizuma one shot. God, why do all the plot bunnies decide to pounce at all the wrong times?! Evil Bunnies of Doom, I say. Sigh.

Ah well, time to sod off and do some serious brainstorming. Ciao!

2006-09-01T02:01:00.000+08:00

Spent time with Jing and Ling today after the qss visit. Saw all my favorite teachers (as well as the not-so-favorite...but ehhhh...oh well). Realised I missed some of them greatly. Lol.

Anyway, spent the afternoon over at Qianling's house, just lazing around, chatting idly, and I got the chance to be evil. Oh yes. Konks, you'd either be very proud of me, or deeply shocked.

For I have introduced the wonder/horror that is PGSM to them. XD

Well since YOU were the one who first told me about PGSM, konks, I have no idea how you would possibly react to this. Hehe.

Still, I didn't introduce them to PGSM for the shoujo ai really. Besides, the Mars/Venus thing is solely subtext and probably the product of fevered imaginations of the fandom. Like myself. XD

I think I was just feeling whimsical when I was on youtube, so I showed them PGSM episode 1. Because they didn't believe me when I told them that there WAS a live action version of Sailor Moon, so I had to show them. Hence the viewing.

I think both of them were both amused by the whole concept though. Of course, the transformation sequences induce a lot of eye-rolling, and we kept being picky over how it takes so freaking long for Sailor Moon to go through the attack sequence as well. I mean, seriously, how come the enemies always just stand there and let them finish setting up the attack that will kill them? Are they really that stupid? Don't answer that.

Still, PGSM is disturbingly addictive in its own way. Must be the whole cheesiness of the routine. I mean, girls with colorful hair who wear mini skirts while fighting idiot monsters. How much more old school and fanservice-y can you get? Lol.

Not to mention that I think the actresses are pretty. Well, Hama Chisaki is like, wow. Especially as Darkury. Hehe. Sawai Miyuu looks hot only when in her Princess Sailor Moon incarnation. Kitagawa Keiko (Kei-chan!!) looks much, much better in her civilian form...and she was fantabulous in the Special Act, even though she only got a couple of minutes of screentime before getting knocked out for the majority of the episode. Azama Mew looks good in formal wear, just look at Usagi's wedding in the Special Act. Not to mention the general tomboy look in her civilian form...not too shabby really. Her as Jupiter doesn't feel quite right though...maybe the wig just...wigs me out (pun intended. XD). Oh and there's Komatsu Ayaka, whom I believe I should not ramble on about for much longer, because I have already done so in great excess previously. Still, she gets the best wardrobe in her civilian form, thanks to the idol status, and she still manages to look good as Venus. Somehow the blonde hair works. Haha.

Heck though, the early episodes of PGSM aren't quite as good as the later ones...obviously. The girls were a bit raw in their acting in the beginning, but they improved along the way. XD Plus the funnier scenes come later anyway. Not that there aren't any funny scenes in the beginning (Usagi trying to climb into the fashion show building because she forgot her ticket in ep 1 for example). It's just that the funny scenes later were, well, funnier. Possibly more inside jokes than anything else. Meh.

Ok, I need sleep. Will go now. Ja!

2006-08-31T09:12:00.000+08:00

*gasp* 2000 visits to my poor blog!

A milestone!

*pause* Although I'm sure at least a third of the visits are by me myself. Lol. I just adore reading my own blog. Meh. Call me a narcissist that way.

Raining now, going back to qss to visit teachers later. And Chengwei, I know you forgot you cap with me! I only realised it when my dad came to pick me up yesterday. Lol.

Hungry. Food. Eat.

I have a one track mind. Cya!

2006-08-30T20:34:00.000+08:00

I don't feel particularly schizoid today, but since konks asked...

*paces around*

Hmm...

Rain is good, yup!

XD

Eto......*paces some more*

Great, I was needing a new alias and konks provided me with one. Now I need a last name. Hmmm...

No I'm not going to talk about it here. Because that one is for a special purpose. Everyone knows my writer-alias is Krista. Estrea is my all-purpose username. Haha.

Ah, konks helped me find the right surname. How useful. A new alias at last!

May the new anonymity begin.

P.S. Well does this post satisfy you konks? I'll post more once I get morbid urges that have nothing to do with shoujo ai. I think I owe you a break from the yuri-ness. Lol.

2006-08-25T12:57:00.000+08:00

Well that was unusual.

4 years is a long time, I said. Darn right it was. Of course I've improved in my writing since then. Or else I wouldn't be in JC, taking humanities subjects, would I?

Still, I guess the first thing she saw must have been Never Again, and well, that one was pretty good, if I do say so myself. One of the better stories in the continuum.

A lot of the others leave much to be desired, but I try my best. Just put up another, really really short one, titled Solitaire. It just seemed right, and considering the source of inspiration, it's just too appropriate. Not to mention the connotations...no, you probably won't get it, would you?

It's personally intriguing to see how the most ordinary things can inspire me. In this case, a solitary card game of solitaire did it for me. Heh. Can't remember why the angst fest, but I'd written it when I thought I'd screwed up my computer permanently...which it wasn't really, it's fixable, but I'm in limbo until it's ok again I guess.

Right. Hungry. Food. Eat.

*signs off*

2006-08-22T20:12:00.000+08:00

What the hell? What the HELL?? VAT THE HELL?!?!

^ That is what I'm "WHAT THE HELL"ing about.

*thwacks Shizuma with mallet* Bakayarou!!!!!

How could you goad poor Miyuki like that?! x__X You know very well that she's in love with you! How could you do this to her when you know you don't mean to return her love at all! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Poor Miyuki. *hugs* She really really needs a break. Time out! *gives tea and cookies to a crying Miyuki* :( I am sad!!

Yes I know Shizuma tries to salvage the situation later after seeing Miyuki cry after that assault. And yes, the silver haired somtimes-vampire totally deserved that slap Miyuki gave her. *sob* Poor Miyuki. She's the most maligned one in the anime, short of Yaya, and only because Yaya is Queen of Angst in training (the current Queen of Angst being Shizuma). Blah.

Ok it's official, my favorite character is Miyuki. *plots to write Miyuki-centered fanfiction for Stopani* Because she really deserves a place of her own.

2006-08-21T10:08:00.000+08:00

Well just read the latest chapter of Beauty and the Beast: Mai Otome ShizNat version.

And completely mirrored Beast!Kruger's response to Nao's intrusion during the "date". Which is...

"JULIET NAO ZHANG!!!!"

Lol. I mean, seriously, DAMN. We were like nanoseconds away from a Viola/Kruger kiss. And then Nao dumbly butts her foxy head in, ruining the moment. DAMN.

Still, I can't get over the fact that Tomoe is the Gaston-equivalent here. XD Can we say psychobitch lesbian yet? My god. Lol. And Miya as the henchwoman. Haha.

Also, the tip of the hat to the homo-ramen doujin. GAWD. *chokes on laughter* Good heavens! Ramen that makes one horny for members of the same gender...O__o Come to think of it, not always such a bad idea...*slaps self* Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!

*snicker* I love Nao to bits though. And Chie. And shockingly enough, Shiho. As Cuddlyness mentioned in her post on the forums, Shiho is hilarious ALL the time. The moment she comes on screen, she's worth a laugh. XD Even in the doom-and-gloom of the last few episodes, the mere appearance of Shiho the High Priestess of Maki-Maki (complete with cultist apparel and Maki-phallus) manages to earn a few snickers from me.

Will quote Cuddlyness for one thing that will live down the ages.

Shizuru all the time: Shizuru

And what does that mean, pray tell? That, dear friends, means that our beloved Shizuru-oneesama is in a completely different category of her own...as she so richly DESERVES to be. Muahahaha. Who else can pull off being homicidal with elegance, deadly while beguiling, teasing while sipping tea with that indefatigable smile? Not to mention her accent. Oh GODS. *swoons at Kyoto-ben* It's just something about Shizuru...*huggles plushie* ...doesn't dare to huggle real thing due to scary Natsuki lurking protectively over Shizuru...

Hehe. My goodness. Sheer fangirlism ya? Not even Haruka and Michiru got such worship...probably because they're THE sacred couple, which everyone knows better to touch or separate. I can't stand to see Haruka and Michiru with other people really. They're meant for each other, a Destined Couple (heck, that's their theme song in the Seramyu!). Heaven forbid they should be split up. Gah.

Still, it's amusing. The other destined couple I can think of is Chikane and Himeko. No one should split them up. Not after we viewers suffered like that for a good 11 episodes. Souma should NOT be a factor at all. XP

Usagi and Mamoru are another destined pair, but a lot of people in fanfiction keep getting rid of poor old Mamo-chan and replacing him with either Rei or Seiya (these two are the most common anyway, but Usagi has been paired with just about every senshi possible in fanfiction world). I personally think its wrong to keep doing that. Keep Usagi and Mamoru together. They richly deserve each other. No, I'm not going to explain that. :P

It's somehow curious to note that I don't mind adding Nao to my ShizNat pairing. Yeah, a threesome would be interesting. Keep in mind the fact that Natsuki got termed "bondage victim" in the Hime continuity, no thanks to Nao and her spider Child, Julia. XP A threesome would definitely be fascinating. ^__^

I realise I have a weakness towards a few archetypes of anime characters. For male characters, I tend to go for either the super-cool/aloof long haired bishounen type (Yue from CCS, Sinistra from KG, Amon from WHR), or the earnest carefree type (Daisuke from DN Angel, Yoh from Shaman King).

For girls it's usually these few types. One, the ubercool ultra-strong fighter/warrior/whatever that look cool while they dispatch enemies with ease (Shizuru!!!, Miyu from Hime/Otome). Two, the tragic-but-still-cool/strong type (Chikane from KnM, Shizuma from Stopani). Three, the quiet and detached/distant type (Rei from NGE). Four, dumb blondes who are actually smarter than they appear at first (Doujima from WHR, Minako from SM). Five, strong and silent support figure character (Youko from Marimite, Miyuki from Stopani). Six, flirty and suave type (Sei from Marimite, Chie from Otome).

I think that's about it. These are the broadest categories I can come up with. And I have to go now. Lessons. ^__~

2006-08-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

Short post before bed.

Don't really feel sleepy but what the heck anyway.

Mapled a bit with Erika just now, my com actually cooperated for a bit more after Rika logged off and I was able to slaughter wild boars for the next half hour with the occasional lag...but I didn't die. Thank goodness for white potions. XD

Then peeked in at the shoujo-ai forums, nothing much going on there yet. Ep 21 subs not yet out...I think? Lol.

Peeked in at BJj forums. Nothing much of interest. I just pop in once in awhile to see while the kids are doing. XP

Swung by the Ohana forums earlier. Didn't feel like talking, so went right back out.

Then looked in at FFnet. Nothing new. I still only got one review for my Jubei-chan fanfic. Ah well, it was a good review though. I feel flattered after that.

And here I am now, summarising the events of the last hour or so. Meh. I feel like I'm being weird here.

Right. Off to bed now. Ja!

2006-08-20T19:44:00.000+08:00

Doh.

Human nature can be terribly ugly at times.

No matter where I go, online or offline, I meet ugly people---and I don't mean their looks. Ugly personalities are disgustingly prevalent.

Forum to forum, I've seen nitwits and bigots all around. There are some who actually like peace and do the whole negotiator/peacemaking thing when ever WWxx breaks out.

Being the person I am, I naturally TRY to make peace whenever possible. That does mean that I usually have to suppress my own argumentative nature to one-up the other's argument. I'm in no mood to type whole essays that are iron-clad cases out of the exam hall. I don't get scored for it, so why bother? Besides, I really have better things to do than rebut every single point the other person makes.

Still, though, my current stint in the shoujo-ai forums is going pretty well, despite the latest unpleasantness of the 'shipping wars', or in other words Tamao/Nagisa fans vs Shizuma/Nagisa fans. Lol. Actually, it was one of the Tamao camp dudes who went all hyper-defensive and accusing the Shizuma camp of "degrading" Tamao and that Tamao is the only one that "deserves" Nagisa.

Personally I don't have any particularly strong convictions for any particular pairing in Stopani yet. Sure, I like Shizuma/Nagisa better than Tamao/Nagisa, but that's only because the plot development is obviously geared towards the former and not the latter. All the characters are likeable (yes, even the Evil Lesbian Duo, they're too wacky/funny to properly dislike), so I can't say that I have any ill dispositions towards any particular character. Well, except possibly Hikari, who annoys me with her handling of the Yaya situation and her extremely boring relationship with Amane (who is one of the most 2D characs on Stopani as of now...even Oshibaru, a BEAR, has more personality than her).

Still, I don't really hate any character (like how I hated Shiori in SKU...grr) in Stopani. I do have favorite characters though, like Chikaru (who has been in the sidelines for far too long if you ask me) and Miyuki (severe sufferer of Tomoyo syndrome). Shizuma used to rank quite high, but she slipped a bit due to the lack of coolness in recent episodes. I mean, angst is ok, just don't overdo it. I sympathetise with Shizuma's plight, and I wish the best for her, but until she regains her feet and becomes "cool" again, she stays where she is on my popularity list.

Surprisingly though, the Evil Lesbian Duo, Kenjou and Momoni, are fairly high on my list. Probably due to the sheer wackiness in their relationship. They are constantly depicted as plotting against Hikari/Amane, with Kenjou attempting to rape Hikari twice so far, and failing both times because she tends to give random off-topic speeches before doing anything, and by the time she finishes, either Amane or Yaya comes to the rescue. Lol. Not to mention all the countless times we see them naked in the bath...together. Lol. Theirs is probably the most explicitly canon yuri relationship. The other being Shizuma/Kaori, but since Kaori is dead and all...all the other triangles are still unresolved (the Miator one is currently paralysed, and the Spica one seems to be "on hold").

Anyway, back on topic on the shoujo-ai forums. Finally, a place where they actually GET MY JOKES! Behold the power of negi and maki maki. And Sir Gay Wong. :P We understand the awesomeness that is Shizuru, and people actually understand what it means when I say someone acts like Satou Sei. XD The trauma of the Yamibou ending, the twists of Kannamiko---and what they mean by WATCH UNTIL THE VERY END!!!

It's nice to have a place where your references are instantly understood and everybody laughs together. Sure we have our disagreements, but we get over it.

Well anyway, Erika's nagging me to go onto maple, so I'll humor her and get on for a bit. ^__^ It's good for the soul...well, Konks understands what I mean. ^__^

Catch ya later!

2006-08-19T23:29:00.000+08:00

I think I just found my quote of the day.

When life hands you lemons, read them over and over and over again.

I went from O__O to O___o to o___o before going all FWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Though its true. But then again, good lemons are hard to find.

*goes back to read Mathias's Minaru lemon*

XD

2006-08-19T14:51:00.000+08:00

My current favorite song is the Stopani first OP, Shoujo Meiro de Tsukamaete by Misato Aki. It's faast and upbeat and good for just plain emoting. XD

Anyway, gotta go shower now. Swing by later!

2006-08-18T10:15:00.000+08:00

God blesse us, and his mooder Seinte Marie!

No there are no typos. This IS the kind of language I have to live with while studying Chaucer's text. And this isn't even the worst possible line I can show you.

This was the concluding part to the Merchant's Tale, and I resisted the urge to snigger when I saw that. Too much Marimite does that to me. After all, it does translate to "Maria-sama is watching" and in both cases (the anime OR the lit text), whatever Maria-sama is doing, she definitely isn't watching. :P Or at least, she's most definitely mortally offended by what she sees.

Why do I snigger? It's basically a logical reaction when one notes the irony. The Merchant's Tale is full of irony, and Marimite isn't really any better. I mean, you have girls kissing each other in front of her statue---specifically Sei and Shiori. Somehow that strikes me as incredibly heretical. Haha.

And having May deceive Januarie the way she does in the book is definitely amusing. The humor is occasionally crude, but amusing nevertheless. The only admirable character in the Tale is probably Justinus, and he plays only a bit part in the beginning. All the other characters are flawed, including the Merchant himself who is the proverbial narrator of the story. I still can't get over how Damian was left up the pear tree in the end though. It would be HILARIOUS if we could see this acted out in a play...oh wait, I saw it in the play before. Meh, I remember laughing when the actor and actress for Damian and May respectively start "jumping on the pear tree" (well they can't actually show sexual intercourse on stage, can they?). That was priceless.

Ok I gotta go for some counselling session thingy now. Whatever.

SEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Still the unapologetic Sei fangirl I see.

Everyone is gay for Sei...hey, that rhymed! :P

Read a Sei/Youko fic and decided that one line (by Youko) was incredibly appropriate.

“Why? Why? I thought I was over you. I was almost acting normally around you. I thought I was going to be okay this time.”

"...I don't want you to be my Shiori."

Wtf lol. *saves last line to memory bank* That was classic, and it spans to SKU as well. XD

Still though, I had much the same response to a certain crush of mine back in year 1. The whole "I'm supposed to be over you!" thing came when I saw her again. I was like, damn, so close to forgetting she ever existed, and then she bumps into me and I get all stutter-y again. Damnit lol.

Life is funny that way sometimes. ^__^

2006-08-17T21:47:00.000+08:00

*waves Sei/Youko flag*

XD

*holds up Everybody Loves Sei banner*

XD;;

*chibi Sachiko pops up*

SD-Sachiko: Hey, I thought I was one half of the main pairing with Yumi!

*dangles Yumi-doll in front of chibi Sachiko*

*chibi Sachiko loses focus and blindly follows Yumi-doll off-stage*

^___^

*whirr* *click* ...his has bee...*click*...een an Anim...*whirr*...oadcast. Tha...*beep*...u for tuning in. *beep* *click*

2006-08-17T21:21:00.000+08:00

Why, why is it that my favorite characters in an anime invariably either turn out to be female and/or outed lesbian? -___-;;;

You don't believe? See following statistics and decide for yourself.

Fav characs list....

Evangelion:
Ayanami Rei
Katsuragi Misato

Marimite:
Satou Sei (outed lesbian, if past with Shiori is any indication)

Mai-HiME/Otome:
Fujino Shizuru/Shizuru Viola (obviously outed lesbian)
Midori (Otome version, possible pairing with Youko...?)
Miyu (Otome version rocked, and let's not get into the whole pedobot thing...)

Kannamiko:
Himemiya Chikane (this is completely obvious)

Jubei-chan 2:
Yagyu Freasha (transformed, she looks femme fatale...*drool*)

Hellsing:
Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing (super-long name, but wtf, Integra is cool)

Sailor Moon:
Tenoh Haruka (duh, one half of the most classic lesbian anime pairing)
Kaioh Michiru (the other half of the CLAP ^)
Tomoe Hotaru
Aino Minako (PGSM is a dead giveaway of da lesbian-ness)

Shaman King:
Kyoyama Anna (mean left hook, right hook...x__x)

Utena:
Arisugawa Juri (yet another outed lesbian)
Kaoru Kozue (why do I get the feeling that she's bisexual? Probably because she does it with ANYBODY and EVERYBODY?...lol?)

Witch Hunter Robin:
Doujima Yurika (damn, another blonde!)
Robin Sena

Meh, that's all I can think of for now. I do have male fav characters in anime, like Yue from CCS, Dark and Daisuke from DN Angel, Sinistra from Kiddy Grade, Alucard from Hellsing, Amon from WHR...that kind of thing. Heck, half of them are the long-haired bishounen type. Bleh. Lol.

I just happen to like cool/strong female characters. Cool and strong male characters are almost a dime a dozen in anime, and only a select few of those make it into my favorites list. Meh, I'm picky.

Anyway, gotta go and TRY to sleep now. Sleep has been strangely hard to come by. I can't seem to sleep for the past few nights. So konks, are you affecting me or am I affecting you? <___< The coincidence is almost unnerving lol....

2006-08-16T18:56:00.000+08:00

I won't cry and drag my feet anymore. Because I know I can be strong too, and I don't need to be like a little kid who refuses to budge out of sheer stubborness.

Sometimes, thinking too much can be a burden. Better not to think at all.

Isn't that what everyone wants of me?

Suddenly, the story in The Usual Stakes doesn't seem all that far-fetched anymore.

Still, it's a good thing to get good grades, go to university, get a job, never mind what I wanted before.

The clear, bright line from A to B is still there. I'm just following the path others set before me. Less confusion ne?

I cannot be selfish all the time after all. I am, no matter what I thought before, still obligated to others. My actions will affect others. Therefore I'm not only responsible for myself, but also for others. I cannot be so self absorbed and ignore that fact.

Because I'm not stupid. I will listen and I will follow. Let them be happy.

After all, I still have one last rebellion of my own. Call it my last trump card.

*cups a lily between my hands* My, isn't it beautiful?

And that's all I have to say.

2006-08-16T17:22:00.000+08:00

*hugs Satou Sei*

She needs one. x__x

*huggles Sei again*

Because she's just too cool. XD

I'm beginning to really dislike the name Shiori. Both of the girls who hurt my Juri-sama and Sei-sama are both named Shiori. x__x This is evil.

Still, if I want to be like someone, I want to be just like Sei. Juri and Shizuru are nice, but Sei is...I dunno...funnier? Sad, angsty sometimes, but I love that grin of hers. Lol. And the suprise-glomps on Yumi are fun. Haha.

Yeah been watching Marimite. That is, Maria-sama ga Miteru. Decided I really like shoujo animes. See, I'm still really girly inside...anou...that is...ahh...

...never mind.

Anyway, been in a much better mood. *shrug* Decided that some things just aren't worth dwelling over for now. Gee, I feel like Sei. Cool! *huggles Sei plushie*

Sachiko and Yumi look fun together. Of course, Yumi and Sei have great chemistry. Then there's Sei/Youko, and likely Sei/Shimako. It might be my imagination, but Shizuma and Miyuki from Stopani remind me of Sei and Youko respectively. O___o Lol.

...hey, wouldn't that make Nagisa a Yumi-clone? Eh, maybe not. There are similarities, but Nagisa and Yumi have a different feel about them for some reason. Heh.

Lol. I wub Sei. This makes it the...ah...3rd blonde anime girl I have a serious obsession with. The others being Tenoh Haruka and Aino Minako.

Of course, Sachiko gave me the immediate feeling of "AHH! Tall, Dark and Bishoujo candidate!" Lol. I love her hair. x__x Reminds me of Chikane from KnM for some reason.

And I think that Yumi looks better with her hair down. Just like Nagisa does. I wonder why they tie their hair up when it looks better down. Meh.

Sei-sama looks better with shorter hair than the waist-length one she had in her 2nd year. It goes better with her slightly playgirl look. Lol. *snicker* Besides, when she had long hair, she kept reminding me of Aino Minako, minus the red bow. Oh, and their eyes, even though they both have blue eyes, Sei's eyes are somehow..different. *shrug* Meh.

Loving Marimite so far. It might be kinda slow for some people, and too subtexty (well nothing really ACTUALLY happens...except for the flashback of the kiss between Shiori and Sei). Seriously. Oh well, it leaves more to work with for the fanfic authors. ^__~

Okie dokie. Me to go now. Ja!

2006-08-15T21:49:00.000+08:00

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not a man.

Original Quote by Salvador Dali: There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.

Still works though.

2006-08-14T14:59:00.000+08:00

Next up, on Poetry Central.

---> Worming an Apple

First hint of inspiration in Smith's Lit class, the poem titled "The Addict" giving me mental images of someone trying to rip out the addiction with a knife while ignoring the screams of the person.

Thinks of Knife. Randomly thinks of Apple. Then a Worm in the Apple. Knife, Worm, Apple...get rid of the Worm from the Apple by using the Knife!

And hence, this was born.

Worming an Apple

It's in there, sneaky little -shit-
Bastard, conniving menace
Skulking stealthily, burrowing
Still deeper, inside pristine red sheen
Covering an unmarked prize.

We stare at the tiny hole -unseen-
Spy's entrance tunnel, infecting
Destroying value of tasty treat---the stomach roils
At the gruesome thought, of gleeful worm
Wantonly wiggling in evil glee.

Strong the temptation to discard, yet hunger -greed-
Marks one still clearer, a singular goal
To satisfy a thirst---not to waste
The commandeered apple, richly endowed
Hope for the starving vultures.

Revulsion claws deep, tempestuous thoughts of -damnations-
Little invader, waging war
Within private property---indignation rises
Like the wave of bile up the gullet
Suppressed, but there, determined.

Only one way to it, a solution -yeehaw!-
Proposed by loyal hawks, simple
Logical response---root out the insurgent!
Sharp blade sought like a deadly hound
Search and destroy, the only way
The terrorist must die.

Dig, carve, slash and ferret -where?!-
Out nothing thus far, still
So close yet so far---a deadly dance
Just barely touching, nipping the edges
Yet still a step behind.

Frustration runs deep, juices -argh!-
Draining away uselessly, wasted
On a futile chase---time to slow down
Seek, but carefully
We'll get them this time.

There! A final thrust -die!-
Expertly delivered, deathblow
To a vital area---is it dead?
Seems so, now to haul 'im out
We've got much to do.

Stares at apple, stares at corpse -hmm-
Tiny worm looks so small, insignificant
And now to eat the apple---oh no!
Nothing left, juices dry
Stripped and battered
An Apple Apocalypse.
========================================================

Amusing little allegory. Fun enough to take at face value. But what are the deeper allusions? The "Apple Apocalypse" was a completely random idea! I was like, hey, alliteration! And that was that.

Hint: it's related to war. *cough*

2006-08-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

Russian Roulette

Musical *click*, sighs of relief
Passing turn to player next, picturing serenity
Moments of truth relived, Fate's trigger poised
Dropping with another *click*, amusement runs dry
Next to go, take a turn
On Destiny's wheel, one of four left
To Chance, prayer whispered
Gifted by Lady Luck, *click*
Goes the next round, Fate's trembling
From one hand to another, uncertain
To seize Chance by the throat, fearful
Eyes fixated on Fortune's axe, a twitch
And breathes again with lovely *click*, passed
On to the next, Dionysus's fool
Pumped with foolish bravado, by devil's brew
Fading quick in Hypnos's gift, brother
Beckons with sinking dread, a second swig
For temporal boost, and *click* goes the wheel
Stopped, at last man standing
Vividly, a deadly scythe to reap
All that is due to it, for soul's a coming
To Elysian or the Pit, even the gods knew not
Until yet another *click*, and Hades frowns
Wrinkles deep, Orpheus's feat repeat
Miracle worked of human deed, alive
To turn, when Jackals screech
Scales of Anubis a-tipping, *clang*
Feather floats high, Judgement comes by
*BANG*

Design flaw, a human mistake
Thoth scribes again on scrolls papyrus
And Ammit grows fat on yet another dinner.
==========================================================

Who dies? Orpheus or Eurydice? One thing's for sure, neither of them's got their hands clean, so either way Mr Crocodile-head gets a meal.

Such is the game of Russian Roulette. ^__~

2006-08-14T05:15:00.000+08:00

Didn't sleep at all.

Went to bed at 10pm. Was wide awake from then til now.

Then decided at 4am: What the heck, let's switch on the com.

ON the com. 4.30am. What the heck do I do now?

Answer: Watch anime. Hmm...Kannazuki no Miko?

Rewatched Episode 1 of KnM. Had to resist urge to giggle out loud. What with Souma going all "RAAAARRR!! I'll fight Orochi!! I'll protect Himeko!!" in his mecha, and there you have by his mecha's feet, Chikane and Himeko kissing. :P Poor dude never stood a chance right from the beginning. XD

Is re-awed by the Tall, Dark Bishoujo-ness of Chikane. Wipes drool from mouth. Souma is nice and all, but seriously, against Chikane on a horse looking cool, he didn't stand a chance. Haha.

Will watch Episode 12. Watched KnM before already, decided I didn't need to re-angst myself. Tissues are ready. Let's go.

5.30am. Finished Episode 12 of KnM. Is torn between squeeing in delight, and the urge to throw things at the monitor due to the lack of Chikane's face in the epilogue. Familiar feeling really. Felt cheated before, is still mildly insulted that after 10 episodes of angst between episodes 1 and 12, we don't get to see Chikane's face in the epilogue. Damn.

At least however, we got to hear Himeko's confession of love (one of the longest and most sincere yet) to Chikane at the beginning of episode 12. Happiness.

Well, that's all for now. No sleepy headache. Goody.

And now for the evil that is to come later in the day...

2006-08-13T16:07:00.000+08:00

You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Words that describe you:

* Uncompromising
* Critical
* Tough
* Frank
* Discerning
* Skeptical
* Empirical
* Astute
* Shrewd

On the Openness Dimension you are:
SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT
Words that describe you:

* Accepting
* Flexible
* Educated
* Self-aware
* Middle-of-the-road
* Proper
* Distinctive
* Indecisive
* Adaptable

On Emotional Stability you are:
STEADY
Words that describe you:

* Relaxed
* Even
* Unwavering
* Constant
* Certain
* Together
* Cool
* Detached
* Tranquil

Your approach toward your obligations is:
VERY FLEXIBLE
Words that describe you:

* Impulsive
* Instinctive
* Inefficient
* Erratic
* Careless
* Procrastinator
* Rule-breaker
* Impossible
* Intuitive

When it comes to Extraversion you are:
VERY RESERVED
Words that describe you:

* Quiet
* Reserved
* Deliberate
* Solitary
* Aloof
* Cautious
* Guarded
* Purposeful
* Meditative
-----------------------------------------------

Woohoo. This hits closer to home than I thought it would be. The part regarding my approach to my obligations made me laugh like crazy. The word "Impossible" really got me laughing. I mean, HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously.

*resists urge to show personality report to teachers*

Lol.

The emotional stability part got me thinking: as usual. Come to think of it, despite my occasional (some say frequent) trips into depression/madness, I'm still rather cool and detached from it all on a certain level. It's as if I'm pretending to be crazy and out of it, but deep down there is an ocean of calm (ok maybe not), or at least, a serenity that probably shouldn't be there considering my current circumstances.

My personality report, on the section titled "Agreeableness", really struck me by its accuracy. My approach to Chengwei and his problems (we all have problems, deal with it) completely matched the way how my report said I would handle it. I don't offer false compassion, no matter how much it might have been tempting to do so. Reality bites, and I feel obliged to inform others about it. Unfortunately, that includes myself, and it really REALLY sucks.

The Openness section of the report described me to a T, and its scary how accurate it really is. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say that it matches up to how I thought I was as a person when it comes to intellectual beliefs.

The Conscientiousness part (yes, the one that made me crack up) was also very fitting. I've driven teachers to a corner with my impractical behaviour one too many times. What I didn't realise that clearly was that it wasn't just sheer laziness that motivated me. I just didn't CARE. Period. But when I do, even if I'm late, I'll get it done in spectacular fashion. That's how I am. It probably will (and already has) drive many people insane, but it's as much a part of me as my shyness when it comes to large groups of people. They who keep talking about "changing oneself" sound very nice and helpful, but some things just don't change. Deal with it.

The Extraversion section didn't break any new ground, but it's nice to read about myself sometimes. Yes I'm self-absorbed. Well, at least I'm not busily poking my nose into everyone else's affairs. We're all entitled to our privacy I believe.

All in all, when I was reading the report, I find that the person being described there wasn't ALL bad. I wonder why I dislike myself so much hmm. From what I'm seeing, I'm, you know, not half bad. Lol. A bit lousy on the obligations side, but we all have our little flaws.

My one gripe was with the emotional stability bit. Read this:

When some of your friends can't contain their emotions they might turn to you as the steady rock, the stable one, the person who will remain composed and help talk and think them through their turmoil. You're just what they need, their calm, cool and collected friend, when their emotional world is falling apart.

Also, people who are as calm and secure as you and who, like you, are emotionally composed most of the time, will find you a friend they are comfortable with. They know that when the world goes upside down, and for everyone the world will occasionally stand on its head, you will be there, as secure and unflappable as they are, and are therefore a trustworthy companion through any emotional turmoil.

The FUCK. Excuse the language.

It seems that my post-Mother days of being the strong one for my dad seems to have integrated itself into my personality. I'm comfortable AND safe. No wonder konks has this idea that a certain someone treats me like a comfort friend, who is "always there" and therefore easy to fall back on.

...damnations.

I'm not irreplaceable. I'm just...you know, there. Like a tree. Or maybe a lamp-post. Calmly absorbing carbon dioxide and puffing out oxygen, or just spilling artificial light for the person leaning against me.

Lol. Comparing myself to trees and lamp posts. Interesting eh?

Can't help but think of Shizuru here though. The "calm, cool and collected friend" reminded me just TOO much of how Shizuru was for Natsuki...at least pre-Carnival. Always there, sitting in the Student Council room, sipping tea and teasing Natsuki...but always there for her. Blah. She's like...a constant. THE constant.

And it somehow hurts me to think that I'm just a constant too. Flattering, but hurting as well. Flattering, because, you know, I'm a part of their lives. Hurting, because they won't know or realise how they really feel about me until I'm gone. Whether they actually need me around. Heck, they probably won't even really get to know me, because deep down they feel that I will "always be around", and therefore there really isn't any pressing need to.

No wonder Shizuru snapped. I know part of that was due to the Obsidian Lord's influence, but under that kind of pressure...I'd snap too. But fortunately I don't feel quite as strongly as Shizuru does for Natsuki, so I'm still alright. Partially anyway.

But it must have been pretty tiring to always be the constant. You know, always the same, always there, changing and growing, yet still the same. Am I a constant for anybody? I can think of a couple of people. More or less.

So I'll continue being that comfortable old tree in the backdrop, providing shade and comfort for others, bearing the weight of my burdens without complaint. Just always being there, underappreciated. Not that I'm there for many people in school anymore.

After all, if I disappeared from school, barely anyone notices. The teachers mark down the absences, wonder a bit, then shrug and move on. They, after all, have a job to do. They don't have to prove a point to others.

The rest of my life? Kanai is there for me, but I'm unwilling to reach out to anybody right now. I can't even summon up energy to talk to people, other than the most basic interactions. I'm losing interest even in my favorite things. Except for reading. Because that's the constant for me I suppose.

Back to being a tree/lamp post again I suppose. Maybe I'll log on to MSN and pretend everything's alright for awhile. Doom, after all, doesn't come until tomorrow.

2006-08-13T14:12:00.000+08:00

I reach out to you shakingly, uncertainly, a peculiar mixture of fear, hope and love intermingled.

Beautiful flowers are to be loved, are they not?

Do you really hate me that much?

God, this brings back memories.

I've always been watching over you.

I'd feel less pathetic if I had more then myself to hug right now.

I'll protect you. Even from myself. I'll protect you.

Is that how she felt? I feel even worse for her now.

Forgive me?

Forgiveness...such a ephemeral concept.

---> *treads off to re-read some happy stuff*

2006-08-12T01:57:00.000+08:00

Are you crying? I think you're crying.

You're so cute.

So sweet, so sad, so adorable, so miserable.

I don't know you anymore.

Hi there, how are you?

We're not so alone, not us.

We're not so very different either.

The more we change, the more we stay the same.

Why are you still crying? Are you still crying, or is it just the rain?

You're hurt. Your hand...it's bleeding.

Of course I can see them.

This time you hit a metal railing, isn't it? Concrete doesn't cut like that.

Poor girl.

At least you didn't hit the bolts, that would have ripped a lot more skin off.

You sang badly, didn't you? I'm not surprised, you can't sing at all.

Your sweat is cold. Are you warm? No? Cold sweat huh? Big deal.

Fallen huh? I guess you could say that. Fallen. That's who we are.

Hush now. Let us find the stars above...even if there are none to be seen.

Look! A faint one, just barely there. Artificial lights blaring in our eyes.

Take my hand, and let's go home.

Let me bear the burden of our sins.

The weight drags me down, yes, each step is an effort.

My back hurts.

No, you go ahead. I'll catch up.

Step by step by step by...step...and my shadow's mocking me.

These hands covered with filth, even the scum stay away. A precious solitude.

I can't run anymore.

Just keep walking, keep moving.

One day we'll find the end of that road. Good or ill, I'll finish walking the path I began.

Just to see where it leads.

2006-08-12T01:38:00.000+08:00

Standing by the expressway, watching the cars streak by.

Alternating between light and shadows, the dirty railway against the broad freeway.

Careening from side to side, front to back, balancing on the balls of my feet, squinting up at the azure sky.

Spreading my arms out in pretend flight, we can't reach high enough to touch the sky.

Swaying like a drunken fool, feet tapping in an untaught dance, a bow here, and a curtsey there.

Playing the aristocrat, a noble charade.

I fooled you and you fooled me, letting go of the child's hand, leaving her untended in the midst of the freeway, lost in the crowd.

Blinking away crystal droplets, lost on the wind, pearly chuckles soaring high to join the unmelodic cacophony.

The boom of fireworks in the distance, I could not see.

There were no stars in the night.

Just as there were no stars in my life.

No longer.

2006-08-12T01:22:00.000+08:00

Listening to Touch by BoA.

Can't help but be reminded of Britney Spears. O___o

But hell, BoA sounds sexy. Or maybe it's just me. I can easily picture a music video for it. o__o Involving a lot of bondage and leather.... x___X

Yep, not good.

Oh, and I'm getting called to see the principal. Hell-fucking-yeah. Wonder if maki maki-ing might help in any way. Lol.

Just a touch like that huh?

Tonight I'm jaded...touch right there...yeah!

2006-08-11T11:17:00.000+08:00

I got my wish for rain...12 hours late.

Thanks a lot.

2006-08-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

I hate you and I hate you and I hate you and I hate you.

Go to hell.

No I'm not psychotic. Just mildly deluded. (mildly?!)

I hate you and I want you to die.

Can't even summon up rage anymore. I'm not angry, and my stress headache is acting up again.

Stupid headaches. Tension headaches? Damn pain.

We're so close now, so very, terribly close. Can smell you, taste you, breathe your fear deep into my lungs, so delicious and exquisite. Close enough to kiss, to ravage you with my lips and teeth, biting and sucking and ripping apart and...are you bleeding? Ara, your lip is torn and all sad and bloody...do you hate me? Now now, don't cry, let me take the pain away, yes yes, you shiver, is it cold? Here, come closer to me, I'll make you warm again, your scream is so very melodious, so pretty. Scream for me. Mmm yes, I love it, why, the fire in your eyes is intoxicating, that's it, glare at me, it only turns me on...why won't you look at me anymore? Do you really hate me so? Poor poor thing, so alone and abused, I'll make it all better, don't be afraid of me...I'm the least of your worries...at least, for now.

Did I just do that? Fuck. I'm further gone than I thought.

Goodbye.

2006-08-10T22:36:00.000+08:00

Maki maki maki maki maki maki maki maki maki...

I just decided I really like Shiho. Who doesn't like a crazy maki maki girl who messes with voodoo dolls?

And Nao rocks. She kicks ass in Otome, and I won't ever forget how she perched oh-so-causually on a tentacle and taunted Shiho. Heh. And the "Old Ladies Military Club" comment earned her a place in my heart.

Of course, no one replaces Shizuru. Decidedly creepy when she goes into "fight" mode---dead eyes much? Creepiness level taken to new heights with the Tomoe saga. I'm still mentally scarred by the baby noises. *shudders*

*mumbles about negi and maki maki*

2006-08-10T15:47:00.000+08:00

A little prayer into the night
A heart's whisper set to flight
A child's sorrow clutched so tight
And the winter's requiem fading to light.

Seasons soliloquy set in marauding June
Loveless porcelain on display in harsh July
Oozing suppuration shut off in August's delight
Silent dirge to a serenading dream.

Crude illusions in setting sun
Elegant web in dusky twilight
Flawless entrapment in darknesse nigh
Hollowed husk in Apolloyon dawn.

Freed in destruction, free
Of night. Ages abound drown
In Methuselah's gift, cup
Of eternal life. Blessed with

An accursed kiss.

2006-08-10T15:04:00.000+08:00

Of Life, Love and Tomoyo Syndromes.

Spent a whole 2 hours pacing in a state of undress behind closed doors in my room. Pacing, thinking, talking aloud to myself.

Even when I was alone, I don't usually speak either. So last night was special, in a way. Talking to myself was strangely liberating, especially since it was aloud.

It was odd hearing myself. I sounded...different. Very different. I sounded very unlike my usual speaking voice when in public. I sounded more...confident? More attitude? Witty, sarcastic, Nagi-like in a sense. o__o

Did that make sense? I don't know. But hearing myself speak in a distinctly foreign accent, like the way I sound to myself in my own head, was odd. It was kinda like American/British and looping into some other weird accents.

But I liked it. I don't know. It sounded real. Like for once, I was speaking with my own voice, talking about my own very real insecurities, even if there wasn't anyone else around to listen to it. But it was a start. It felt...like me. It felt real, staring into the whirring fan and speaking to it like it was a real person. Shocking, disgustingly real.

Or perhaps 1am was a bad time to do these things. I just couldn't sleep, like I was on a buzz on something. Just kept pacing, and I started to strip halfway through, cos there wasn't anyone else to see anyway. So there I was, holding a conversation with myself as an audience, gesticulating, explaining, theorizing...being myself.

Sucks to be me sometimes.

2006-08-08T15:58:00.000+08:00

She did not know that she was crying---it was foreign to her. Only that a salty liquid was flowing out of her eyes, down her cheeks, and each painful, wracking sob that threatened to simultaneously squeeze her into an atom and tear her apart, all at once.

She clutched at her chest, unknowing, unseeing, as yet another choked breath forced its way out of her throat. Her shoulders shivered with each surge, sending a fresh wave of tears to ebb out from eyes wide shut.

She was on her knees---had once been standing, but somewhere along the way the strength in her legs gave out, and she had collapsed like a puppet cut from its strings, limp and boneless, eyes vacant and shimmering with the sparkle of liquid rising behind the dam.

She no longer knew what was happening, only that there was pain, and the action of crying was perpetuating the agony. She clutched at her chest, fingers hooked and clawing at the breast, as if by some sheer force of will she would dig the infection within her heart out, and cease the suffering she so loathed. It was futile, she knew it was futile, but it did not keep her from want of trying, for it took her mind off that terrible pain.

She shuddered with each heaving gasp, her chest constricting and expanding painfully, as if each agonising nerve was on fire with every movement, and she could barely breathe, her nose clogged full up with a thick substance, cutting off the passage of air. Breath was stolen through a limp mouth, a dark red hole, the edges trembling and slick with saliva, giving it almost an appearance of a wound---gaping open without treatment or remedy.

She did not know what drove her to weep like this. She did not know tears. She was brought up not to know pain, and yet pain she was feeling now, and she could not comprehend it. Where were her advisors, her helpers, her friends? Why were they no longer there to explain this new phenomenon to her? She felt as if her heart would break, torn and shred apart by the sheer force being exacted on it from within and out, and only the barest of self-awareness kept her from writhing like some unborn slug on the floor, curling and thrashing in the relentless assault of pain.

She did not understand. Why would it not stop? The pain had to be driven away. It was a foreign entity, an enemy, and it had no place within her. She must drive it away, by the strength of her own two hands, without help from others. In a bleak moment of realisation, she discovered she could not call upon others, could no longer rely on the services of others to save her, and that this battle was hers alone to fight.

She was alone, and a fresh wave of tears gushed out of red-rimmed eyes. Holding back the nausea with the last shred of her willpower, she steeled herself, reached deep within herself to turn off the waterworks, though the choked sobs that emanated still from her throat took far longer to subside. With a methodical certainty spurred on by the singularity of purpose, she fought down that alien creature known as Pain, kicked at it, shoved it, beat it up, and finally booted it into some remote corner, before closing and locking the door. As an afterthought, she walled it over and put thick, heavy chains across, so that it could not burst out to hurt her again.

She was done, Pain was gone. The tears were gone. But her strength did not come back. She had expended too much into the battle, and now she did not know where she was or what she was to do. Confusion filled her; where was she? Who was she? Exhaustion overcame her senses, and she fell...

...into the Pit. There was no more tears there, no pain, no sorrow. Only unending oblivion, and as time passed, layer after layer of sediment covered the Pit, obscuring it from view. Still she slept, safe in that dark womb of nothingness, away from Pain, her enemy. She would not wake, not now, not until her strength returned to her. And still the walls grew, until to stone it turned, and none could see nor even remember that girl who once was safe, happy and free.
==================================================================================

I blame the KnM ending song, agony, for the source of inspiration for this.

2006-08-08T15:53:00.000+08:00

Creation.

Destruction.

Change.

Unchanged.

Opposites.

And then there was nothing.

Childless symphony.

2006-08-08T15:51:00.000+08:00

A protector.

A destroyer.

Scales of Judgement.

Tipping the balance.

Melts into chaos.

Endless struggle.

2006-08-08T15:48:00.000+08:00

Fixated with a fierce gaze.

Hint of unshed tears.

A proud, unbowed stance.

Jaws set, a sorrowful expression.

All lost, nothing to be found.

Turned away.

An eternal regret.

2006-08-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

There's nothing to be said.

Can't remember speech.

Whole conversations in the head.

Forgotten.

Lost dreams.

A spirit dead to the world around.

Crushed.

A fool's lullaby.

2006-08-07T14:50:00.000+08:00

Things that freak me out now (otherwise known as things that shouldn't have sexual connotations but do now...)

1) Flutes
2) Negi (green onions)
3) Mayo (don't ask)

*is extremely freaked by negi now*

Poor Natsuki lol.

Oh and things that make me laugh uncontrollably...

1) Global warming (*snicker* two words: Kenjou Kaname)
2) Shining things
3) vampire! Shizuma (*cough*)
4) cosplay club (*coughChikarucough*)
5) nuns
6) uke Natsuki + "devil woman" Shizuru (XD;;;)

And that's it. *is still freaked by the negi* x__x

2006-08-06T16:30:00.000+08:00

"You...you IDIOT!!!"

Dark eyes looked up with amusement at the fuming woman in front of her. Raising one hand she casually wiped off the trail of blood at the corner of her swollen lips, flicking the ruby droplets away with exaggerated ease as she pushed herself up from her sprawled position on the floor.

"Still as excitable as before, Seyrine. You haven't changed a bit." A knowing smirk.

A muttered curse, and the injured woman found herself being hauled halfway off the floor by the front of her shirt. Dark hazel met fiery crimson, and before either of them knew it, their lips were crushed together in a bruising kiss. The battered one smirked into the contact, which abruptly ended with a shocked gasp as Seyrine realised what was going on. She hid a wince when she was dropped to the floor, eyes hazed over with pain.

Seyrine dropped to her knees next to her, the fire in her eyes much dimmed. "Why do we always end up like this?" She murmured, lifting one bloodstained hand, the skin clearly unbroken underneath the crimson stains. She looked at her short-haired counterpart, who looked like she had just crawled out of a gangfight.

"If you didn't find beating me up this entertaining, we wouldn't be in this position," remarked the injured woman, who had given up trying to sit up properly and was now regarding the ceiling above her with a vague eye.

Seyrine hid a cough and glared indignantly at the still smirking woman. "You KNOW that's not what I meant, Kerlis."

"Oh really? I can't possibly imagine what your intentions are. Do enlighten me."

The brunette growled deep in her throat and ground her teeth together. "Kerls...."

"Ara? You haven't called me by that for a long time, Sey-chan." An impish grin.

"KERLIS!!!"

The sandy-haired girl cocked an eyebrow at the infuriated girl above her. "As much as I enjoy having you on top of me, don't you think you should save this for somewhere more pri--"

She was cut off by two things: 1) the pressure of hands trying to strangle the breath out of her, and 2) the sensation of her partner's lips on hers once more. Kerlis felt that she would be in heaven, both literally and figuratively, if this went on---breathing soon became a difficulty.

Just as she was quite literally turning blue in the face, Seyrine released her hold around her neck and rested her head on her wounded partner's shoulder.

"You idiot." The fiery girl breathed as she traced little circles on the bare flesh of an exposed shoulder.

"That's why you like me, isn't it?" Kerlis hid a smug grin as she raised one bleeding hand to stroke her partner's soft hair.

Seyrine let out something that sounded like "pfft" and focused one red orb on her sometimes-lover. "You almost died out there! How dare you walk into a fight without me with you! You...you...you..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "...almost...died..."

"Che, I'm alive now aren't I?" A casual wave of her other hand. "Besides, you're the only one who's allowed to kill me anyway. I'm not going to get myself killed by some nobody."

"Idiot!" Seyrine was delivering her trademark death glare again, with no visible effect. Kerlis was, unfortunately or not, the only one with any sort of immunity to said death glare. She grinned cheerfully at the red-eyed monster lying on top of her.

An irritated growl, and Kerlis found herself being quite bodily picked up by her volcano of a partner. Hazel eyes twinkled with mischief as she rested her head against the full bosom of her protector.

"Sey-chan, next time decide if you want to kill me or kiss me. Don't go for somewhere in between like you always do...OW! Hey! I'm injured! A little respect please! Ouch! Seyrine!"
====================================================================

A moment of insanity, I swear! *looks up*

Hmm I have no idea where that came from. Honest. I was going for angst. How it became fluffy was a total mystery. Hmm.

Anyway. I don't care if it's shoujo-ai. I like it. I'm comfortable with it. So that's it.

Ja.

2006-08-05T12:51:00.000+08:00

No longer.

Speech became unnecessary.

Food was sporadically consumed, and then only to sustain the body.

A living corpse.

2006-08-04T10:20:00.000+08:00

Room of Angel

You lie silent there before me
your tears they mean nothing to me
the wind howling at the window
the love you never gave
I give to you

Really don't deserve it
but now there's nothing you can do
so sleep in your only memory of me
my dearest mother

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
goodbye
goodbye

So insignificant
sleeping dormant deep inside of me
are you hiding away lost
under the sewers
maybe flying high in the clouds
perhaps you're happy without me
so many seeds have been sown in the field
and who could sprout up so blessedly
if I had died
I would have never felt sad at all
you will not hear me say I'm sorry
where is the light
wonder if it's weeping somewhere

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
it was always you that I despised
I don't feel enough for you to cry oh well
here's a lullaby to close your eyes good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye
good-bye

============================================================

I will finish what I started. I must.

Then after that, as the song speaks, I will finally be able to say "goodbye".

2006-08-04T04:25:00.000+08:00

Is it normal to be so bitter?

Guess not.

So here I am, 4 in the morning, seized by a bitter hatred that refuses to let me sleep. My chest constricts with the sensation, and I can feel the bile boiling out of my throat.

Maybe the bitterness is just the taste of the bile rising up. Wouldn't put it past that.

If seeing friends and enemies die in your dreams is not the norm, then what is?

Oh yeah, hot women fucking each other.

I can't believe I just typed that.

I don't even know which is more disturbing. But out of the two, death and violence seems much less complicated.

But hey, its 4 in the morning. I'm allowed to be kooky at 4 in the morning. I think.

It seems to me that I'm splitting up inside. Fragments, you know?

On one level, a child, crying for help.

On another, a struggling teen.

Yet another, disgust overlaid with contempt.

And the last, the highest, the untouchable, sitting high and pretty on the dais, calmly watching the chaos boiling below its feet, not speaking, simply watching.

I can actually sense the shifts underneath the surface. As if with each person I meet, my personality shifts, and I'm someone else again.

Someone else. When can I be me? Instead of 'someone else'?

Is there a someone else? Or they could all be me, a part of me, yet apart from me. Heh.

The heart is confused, and the path lies in shadow. Damn right.

And they tell you anime is without merit. That line was paraphrased from Jubei-chan 2.

My heart feels simultaneously too small and too large to contain itself and the emotions within it. It hurts. I can no longer tell where I'm going.

Actually, I do know where I'm going. Remember the omniscent persona who just watches without comment. She knows. And what she knows, I know.

Fear is real. Pain is real. Retreating inside a shell.

I think I finally understand why I desire to see wounds on my flesh. It would mirror the scars on my soul and my mind. Are we not flesh and spirit both? Why is it when the spirit is wounded, irreparably or not, the flesh looks healthy? I repudiate it.

I think I see why people cut themselves. And I think the meaning underlying the story that I wrote a few days ago, titled Never Again.

It's a cry for help. CT said that I was in too deep to see how small the problem really was. She's not wrong, but she's not entirely right either.

It might be a small problem if you look at it from the outside. But when you're actually surrounded by it, absorbed into it, drowning in it as your vision narrows from being drawn deeper into the vortex, it becomes your whole world.

That's why I've always felt a certain rapport and understanding with people who hurt. I understand how the problem can enmesh you within the web, constricting you until you can't even draw a proper breath to scream. Your mouth hangs open, but no sound comes out. And the strands of the web cut deeper into you, but no marks can be seen on your skin. And no one knows.

No one can hear you scream. That's the basis behind the cutting, at least it is for me. You need visible proof. Subconciously, you want to be helped. So you call out in a way that seems abnormal to others.

Damn. Of all songs to come out now, it HAD to be Room of Angel. Yeah konks, it's one of the suicide-bait songs. I'm not quite that senseless yet.

Atalia said I had hope. Yeah. I haven't finished Broken Shards. Yeah, I finally saw the ending for Broken Shards. When I started out down that road, I never knew where it would lead, only that I must follow it.

And now I see the end in mind, and I can only laugh in all bitterness. How appropriate! And the words "Death is only a new beginning" suddenly make a whole lot more sense. I didn't even know why I put that on the blog in the first place, only that I should, or must. And now, the end answers everything.

In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. I wasn't planning on it, but the end happened anyway.

They say fiction mimics reality. Now let's just hope reality does NOT mimic fiction. Or that the reality pictured in the fiction doesn't come to life. Otherwise, well, it's not good. Definitely not.

It will remain secret. There are yet more stories to go before the end comes. And even after that, I'll need to edit all the entries. You know, spelling errors, typos, all that nitty gritty. And some entries could do with some rewriting in certain areas. You know, rephrasing, reshooting the scenes in the most ideal angle, that kind of thing. And after ALL that, I still need to arrange them in the proper order. I've just been writing the stories as they come, but to make maximum impact, I will arrange the stories as they SHOULD be read, and that has nothing to do with chronology within the stories themselves. Yes, there is a timeline.

Just like how The Usual Stakes has to be read before Doll.

I will need to rewrite some parts of Confessions, and totally overhaul Letters, probably change the title too.

Never Again will be the 3rd story from the back. The next two, the final episodes, so to speak, will be titled Endgame and Broken Shards, respectively. They are as yet unwritten, but I already have the scenes in mind and how to write them.

It seems strangely appropriate that, after all that running around, we're back where we started, and that's the part of the meaning behind the title. I started out using Broken Shards as the title of the blog, not planning to expand it into the anthology it is now. And now the last entry is also titled the same, and it is strangely fitting, considering the scene I planned in mind. Strange coincidences? I'm beginning to wonder if there are no coincidences anymore.

That I had known all along, deep down, where I was headed.

Before I leave, here's the planned ending of Broken Shards. Not much of a spoiler really. It's just one line. One very short line. One line that encapsulates the quote beneath the blog title.

He turned the page.

That's it. That's all the ending I need. 4 words.

And that is all I have to say.

2006-08-03T17:51:00.000+08:00

Am I the only person who thinks Jiyu and Freasha are slashable?

Lol.

I mean, just look at episode 12. It just SCREAMS subtext. No, the subtext was vividly highlighted and emphatically underlined. You'd really have to have a really dysfunctional gaydar not to catch that one. Lol.

I fell in love with the insert song. Sigh. That scene almost made me cry because of that darned song. In case no one knows, it's Nagi ~peace of mind~ by Okazaki Ritsuko.

It's really relaxing to listen to.

And I really think Jiyu and Freasha should end up together. The other male leads are a joke. Heck, there are no real male leads. They're just secondary characters, and UNNECESSARY secondary characters to boot, at least in Jubei-chan 2. Yes I watched the anime. Damnit.

And that's only because I caught the last episode on Channel U (tv). First reaction: wow cool sword fights! 2nd reaction: hey those two gals look good together...

So I went and saw the rest of the episodes. By the time I reached episode 11, I was all "HMMM...interesting". Then episode 12 rolled along and I almost slapped my forehead in exasperation. Those two are slash material, even if they don't realise it themselves. Haha.

Seriously. I mean, whoa. Freasha has a serious daddy complex. And in episode 12 Jiyu actually channelled Jubei's spirit without even realising she was doing it (you have to watch it for yourself). And then the hug and Freasha just crying in Jiyu's arms. That was cute. And check out this scene.

[note: they are both transformed]
[after Freasha caught the blade using Mutodori]

Jiyu: Magnificent.
Freasha: Right now...that was you, Jiyu?
Jiyu: ?
Freasha: That Papa was... Jiyu...? (this part has major fic expansion potential)

[cue sad music]
[Jiyu walks forward and hugs Freesia]
[Freasha drops the sword and hugs back] (XD)
[Freasha starts to cry, and her tears start to change the color of her uniform]
[Both of them sink to their knees, still embracing]
[Somewhere along the way they de-transformed]
[note: Freasha is STILL crying]

Freasha: I always wanted to do this. I wanted to hug Jiyu.
Jiyu: Me too... *tightens embrace* Me too!

[pause]

Freasha: Jiyu...you're so warm...
Jiyu: It's my fever...
Freasha: That's not it, it feels so good. I want to be like this forever. I always thought that...that's...what I wanted...but...
Jiyu: It's fine. Okay? Let's be like this forever.
Freasha: *sniffles* Ok...

Omgosh. So cute. So sad also. Ahhhh. My gaydar was flashing like crazy. Lol. It's terribly sweet. This part can be expanded to have shoujo-ai hints all over it. XD Maybe I should try it out...hmm...

*shakes head* No no no. I have too many things to do. Cannot...be...distracted...

Ugh. Maybe I should request for someone else to do it lol. :P

Anyway, dinner time. Ja!

2006-08-02T22:56:00.000+08:00

Not me, Not I by Delta Goodrem
You mixed me up for someone
Who'd fall apart without you
Yeah you broke my heart for the first time
But I'll get over that too
It's hard to find the reasons
Who can see the rhyme?
I guess that we where seasons out of time
I guess you didn't know me

If you think love is blind
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines
Surprised that I caught you out
On every single time that you lied
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry
No not me, not I, not I, no not me, not I

The story goes on without you
And there's got to be another ending
But yeah you broke my heart it won't be the last time
But I'll get over them too
As a new door opens we close the ones behind
And if you search your soul I know you'll find
You never really knew me

If you think love is blind
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines
Surprised that I caught you out
On every single time that you lied
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry
No not me, not I, not I, not I, not I

All you said to me
All you promised me
All the mystery never did believe
No I never cry no I never not me not I

If you think love is blind
That I wouldn't see the flaws between the lines
Surprised that I caught you out
On every single time that you lied
Did you think that every time I see you I would cry No not I, I won't cry
No not me, not I, not I, Not I
No not me, not I
=================================================================

No I won't cry. I refuse to cry in front of that person. Anyone but her.

Oh and thanks konks, because I think I'm going out to buy the Innocent Eyes album. Lol.

Oh and as an aside, Shizuru's character song in MH is like, wow. *swoons at the Kyoto-ben* Now, I need a translation of the bleddy lyrics. Lol. Perhaps I need Japanese lessons? Hmm...

2006-08-01T19:35:00.000+08:00

Times when you realise that your thoughts are echoing one Fujino Shizuru's are times when you should be really REALLY afraid.

It's a bit rough, but I think that the exact words were:

But, your 'like' is different from my 'like'.

Taken from episode 21 of Mai-HiME, time 14:29-32. 3 seconds of extreme pain.

I found myself mirroring that thought earlier--unconsciously I swear!--when I was thinking of something. x__X If I was wondering if I was demented earlier, I can stop wondering now. X__x

Thinking like Fujino is a bad idea. Very very bad idea. Thinking like Viola would technically be less dangerous. Because ultimately, Shizuru Viola is FAR more stable than Fujino Shizuru. And that makes all the difference.

If anyone doubts my assertion, I invite them to watch da Fujino in action in the last 4 episodes of Mai-HiME. Not very pretty. No, she was still gorgeous, just extremely extremely scary.

Why? Why me? Gah.

Why can't I like a normal person? Why do I always go for the ones who can (and will, or already is/are/whatever) hurting me? Bah, humbug.

*glares at ceiling* And I've got a date with the principal tomorrow. Joy. That makes it 3, and 3 times lucky ya? *spits on the floor derisively*

Comparatively mediocre people in school? Heh. Says a lot, that. I'm not really ALL that brilliant. They just suck. Well, most of them do. Some of them I actually respect.

And while I give kudos to those who slog hard for tiptop grades, I probably don't hold them particularly high in my regard. Anyone can go places with hard work. The real stars that shine, well, those are special. Whether they slog or not, that special-ness about them never really goes away. And those people, I respect.

Am I brilliant? A star? Once, maybe. Still am. You can't put out the light so quickly or completely. But kicking their asses? A long time ago, I might have cared. My pride would have demanded it. Now? I might have to try dusting off the little pieces of that so-called pride that still lie in the mud around my feet. That fighting spirit I once had...that swaggering arrogance...I almost miss it. Almost. I was the best then. I had a reason to fight, to put others down. Now? I'm trampled on by the mules who slog blindly through the swamp of school. A bit late really to start. Really.

Never again huh? Never again...

*stares at the scars on my hands, my bleeding hands*

2006-07-31T23:09:00.000+08:00

Word to all the little kiddies out there, punching walls is not a good idea. Especially not when you do it long and hard enough to draw blood from the fist, it tends to sting when you move your hand...which is often.

Why do I have a feeling that some of the more rebellious kids might actually go and try it out after reading this? Lol.

Anyway, everyone can do with a good cry once in a while. I was long overdue for one anyway. And now I'm terribly tired and sleepy. Good night minna!

2006-07-30T11:52:00.000+08:00

I'd almost forgotten really.

Really really. What with my current obsession with Shizuru, Shizuma, Chikaru and Miyuki. Almost forgotten that while I really have a bad case of hero-worship with these anime girls, the one that I still truly identified with was one Arisugawa Juri.

Softer than cruel. Heh. I love that fic. I love that phrase.

Because we're both wild animals, said Kozue. That's true.

A knight in shining armor. A brilliant facade, masking illusion.

I have a hero complex really. Or not. How else would one explain the urge to save and protect others, without care for oneself?

Probably just selfish. What if others wanted to protect you? What would you do then?

I'd push them away, because no one can save an angel fallen from grace.

No one indeed. That and the fact that there are no miracles.

No, there are miracles. They just don't happen to me. I want them to happen to others. So they are safe, protected. Away from the taint of fallen grace.

I turned destructive inside. At least Juri had the wisdom of keeping up the charade, the game of cloak and dagger. She was perfection itself, a wondrous statue of glory to be admired from afar. Untouchable.

Then what am I but the taint like Kozue was? Not quite to the same level admittedly, largely because I don't sleep around like that girl does. But they're very much the same, wolf and panther both. The Prince and the delinquent. So very much the same.

I am not Juri. I won't even pretend to be. But the hurt she carries within herself mirrors that of mine. Konks, you were right, that addiction of mine is going to get me hurt severely in time to come. Too bad I can't let it go. The way Juri couldn't let go of that locket. It's almost ironic really.

Sometimes I think I do it to myself. Because I like the pain. Because, like Kozue, I smear the mud on myself to mark the depth of my sins. I refuse to purify myself because I feel like I don't deserve to look pure again.

The chains that held us together...

Only because I refuse to let go. And ironic that it is more than one chain that holds me. One that I cling on to, and another that wraps itself like a conniving serpent, suffocating me. And I can't slip out of that deadly embrace, because duty, that sickening concept, chains me more securely than any other trap.

Duty. It makes me laugh. I'm completely irresponsible in all other aspects of my life. In school, I am naught but a glowing ember, something that could have been more, but isn't, due to that sheer irresponsibility. I run from responsibility, avoid it, tried to slip away from it. Ignored it even. I am sure some of the more sententious members of my acquaintance in school must despise me. Or be absolutely baffled. Don't worry, it's not new. Bafflement is an endless state that humanity is engaged in. It's one of the things that spur progress, unfortunately or not.

Yet in the one area where I actually want to be irresponsible about, I can't. What, you think I like being irresponsible in school and in other ways? Then you knew me even less than you thought you did. No I won't explain that. Have fun guessing, or have you given up already? So much easier to mark me with disgust and contempt, is it not? Easier to label under 'unsalvageable' and leave it to rot, then to struggle to peel away the layers to grope for some measure of understanding. Lord knows I've felt the same way many times.

I am a very simple person to understand really. Complex, but simple at the same time. It only takes a few words to describe the entirety, yet those few words are probably too much for the average undiscerning person to decipher. How ironic. Heh.

The poison that runs in my veins. I wrote a poem on that once. I said then that it was hatred that ran through my veins, that desecrating taint that corrupted all that it touched. It is no longer hatred now, but something else.

Contempt? Perhaps. Or self-pity, that most destructive of emotions? Or hoping in absence of hope? Desperation reeks like an overused rag. It is beautiful, is it not? Despair was ever a technicolor display, a rising orchestra in full swing, in between shades of grey on an empty canvas.

Zakath fought with a cold rage burning within him. He sought to find something strong enough to kill him. So he fought.

I seek to be remembered. Not as a brightly shining star in the cosmos, admired by all. No, not that. Even the brightest stars go out one day, and then they'll be forgotten. No, I sought to explode like a supernova, to go out with a bang, drawing all those near to me to be sucked into the resulting void, and those afar to remember the catastrophic consequences.

And people wonder why I push them away.

Though, really, Zakath wasn't a good example. He was healed by love. Lucky (or unlucky) bastard. I don't think I even want to be healed. Why would I want to be?

Because I am weak, not strong. Why can't they all see that? I am weak. I am not strong. I can be broken. But why? Why does no one even try to crush me? Or do they see that there is nothing worth left to crush? Perhaps.

Perhaps some see something to be saved. Perhaps. Perhaps they think there is something to salvage from the train wreck. Perhaps there is something to be saved. But do they ever wonder...?

Do I even want to be saved?

Is there any reason I should be saved?

Can you give me a reason to want to be saved?

Until you can answer that, don't bother trying. Because patching a broken doll together haphazardly will result in its collapse later on. If you're going to do a proper repair job, do it properly. Don't leave things halfway. I rather stay broken than be roughly thrown together in a semblance of vibrant normality before falling into pieces...again.

I don't think I could take that a 3rd time. Or was it 4th?

Too many to count...but does it matter anymore? Nothing matters for now.

Cheers.

2006-07-29T13:04:00.000+08:00

Before I start, I must put a disclaimer. I may or may not agree with the following statements made in the quotes I am going to post, I just find them hilarious and feel the need to share them. ^__^

Oh, and all of these are from the shoujo-ai forums. ^__^

Unfortunately a lot of the girls out there have this annoying habit of being straight. It makes it hard for all of us sensible girls. Being single bites.

Lol.

Life is Anime, Death is Anime, All is anime.
And way too little Anime has shoujo-ai or yuri

*snickers*

"If guys think two girls together are hot, why don't girls think two guys together are hot? I've never met anyone like that in my life!"
Now I really hope she never finds my yaoi collection...

ROFLOL. True though...

If stupidity were a sin, we'd all go to hell.

Seconded!!!

How many subdivisions of gender identity are shunned simply because they don't fit precisely with the binary system of male and female?

Deep. Very deep.

And posting on boards dominated by adolescent males is an open invitation to homophobia. It's almost amazing how often, let alone with such variety, insults against another person's gender are hurled as the first recourse in a difference of opinion.

*collapses in hysterics* Too true, that.

They stopped listening to Elton John the moment they heard he was gay.

Lol. I mean, really, what's up with homophobes?

Me: "Guess what, Mom & Dad! I'm attracted to girls!"
Mom & Dad: "You're a lesbian..?! But you have a boyfriend!"
Me: "Only mostly attracted to girls. Probably like 95%... Just thought you'd like to know!"
Mom & Dad: *very confused look* "You can do that..?"

*pounds on floor while laughing hysterically* OMG, I can't believe how much laughter there is in my life. XD

"The only thing a lesbian doesn't ever want to hear from her lover is: I will return as your child"

In case nobody understands, that is a reference to the Yamibou ending. Lol...

And yes, KnM is still the Flagship for Shoujo-ai Pairings. Because there is conclusion! There is romantic and undeniable confession! {translation: no more lame subtext~~ It's canon!} Lol. Happiness. Haha.

Well, because I don't want to confuse MORE people, I will stop now. *bows out*

2006-07-29T01:12:00.000+08:00

*glances up at tagboard*

Hmm.

I seem to be channelling something I thought I lost. Evil Estrea returns.

And I love the Shizuru start. Hmm, I wonder if the subsequent speech was worthy of Fujino-kaichou.

It probably didn't help that I was feeling vindictive when I saw that tag though. Still, I could have been more vicious in my reply really. The Estrea 3 years ago would have dismantled the person down into their component parts without even raising her voice, while smiling a Fujino-esque smile. I've actually mellowed. Amazing.

Glad to know I haven't completely lost my touch, however. It would be truly distressing if that were so.

I suddenly wish I had a random, unknown person that I can just destroy verbally right now. With good reason. Because I can't actually do that with real people that I have to associate with on a semi-regular basis. Pity.

It feels strange. Odd. I feel stronger. More detached. Is that how Xellos feels?

*random iced drink pops in hand*

Or maybe Akio. It would certainly be fitting. Especially after that entry in my private journals. I am in control. I can crush others if I choose to. It feels good to not be vulnerable.

I feel no sympathy for them. Just a morbid fascination. Like gazing at a train wreck, unable to look away. A train wreck I helped cause. A train wreck I happen to be in.

Layers. Everyone has them. Don't you know?

Cheers.

2006-07-29T00:59:00.000+08:00

Got a new MSN sn.

Konks, I added you. :P Accept the gmail account person. Cos that's me. Lol.

Needed a quiet retreat. Found it. Made it actually. Only damned place to get some peace without shutting out people that I actually want to talk to. ^__^

*muses quietly in corner*

2006-07-28T16:23:00.000+08:00

There is a reason why I hang out on the shoujo-ai forums.

----> Like-minded peers!!!

Lol.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who finds Souma disgustingly and annoyingly noble, and wishes for his death every minute of the anime. Haha.

I think I'm psycho, but that's perfectly alright. Right now, despite the shit in my world and my life, I'm still psychotically happy and possibly neurotically deficient from all the laughing.

Even if...what the hell...*prances around in pink frilly dress randomly*

O___o

Yep, definitely nuts.

2006-07-27T18:11:00.000+08:00

Boy oh boy.

Being in the shower has great impact on my creative juices. However...this time it has scary crackiness involved. My muse is scary, so sue me.

I have envisioned an extremely new pairing for Strawberry Panic. One that has probably no basis in the anime (who cares?! ^_~) and is....well...crack on steroids. XD

And yes, it involves Miyuki on one end. ^__~

I did say I enjoy messing with the poor girl. After coming up with half a dozen ideas for Miyuki/Shizuma angst in the shower earlier, I decided Miyuki really needs a break from Shizuma angst and well, get a vacation or something. Was thinking up of possible people to pair her (with scary possibilities popping up now and then o__o) with, until I struck paydirt with THE obvious choice...well to me its obvious anyway.

No it's not Shion of St Spica. I'm not THAT cruel to poor Miyuki. Plus that would be too cliched. Lol.

No no, who else could it be?

*hint* It's my other favorite character.

XP

Yes, it's Chikaru! Woohoo! Lol. I understand that Chikaru has never expressed any interest on her part (but that girl's a damn good actress, just see ep 16), and she hasn't even stated or even implied an attraction to members of the same gender. But then again, she never states any kind of evidence to determine her sexual orientation until now, which gives fanfic authors a free hand. XD

And no, I won't tell you what premise I had to put them together. It's a crackfic remember? Reality gets suspended for crackfics. XD Just think BDSM, cosplay and Miyuki being highly OOC to get an idea of what I have in mind. Oh I'm evil. Haha.

My goodness, I really have it in for Miyuki. Fwaahahahaha. My favorite torture victim of the moment. Muahahahaha. I almost pity her. Almost.

Don't you? ;)

2006-07-27T16:23:00.000+08:00

I'll be damned! I was right after all!

Lol.

Seems like Miyuki is now my new favorite character (to mess with). XD

She's doing the whole unrequited love thing pretty well. <__< Not to mention the whole being able to let the other person go to see them being happy. Talk about being a loyal friend. That girl takes it out to the extremes.

If I were nicer, I would say that "she deserves to be happy!". But I'm not a nice person, so I'm going to torture her some more in my fics. *cough* Yayness, Rokujou Miyuki just totally made my day. Haha.

Gotta love her though. And boy, is she well endowed or what?? o__o Well, Shizuma did undress her (for a completely innocent reason!! and I'm not lying), and we got to see something...not much, but enough. And yes, the function of the Gratitiuous Shower Scene gave us an eyeful too. So far, just about every major character has been seen in the shower at least once. Lemme see, we have Nagisa (twice I think), Shizuma (sigh ep 12...), Tamao (couple of times), Hikari and Yaya (after their swim), Amane (once), Kaname and Momoni (multiple times...evil lesbians...), Miyuki (ep 17 XD) and I think that's about it for shower scenes. Fanservice ya? I'm not complaining, it's not that bad and not too intrusive. Although I admit I gawked at Shizuma in the shower for quite a while. *cough*

I'm a sad creature really, resorting to perving on imaginary anime characters in the nude. Oh well. It's better than actually perving on real people...I think. No, don't answer that, I don't want to go into comparative morality or any sort of ethical discussion at this point in time.

Lalalala~~~ I might have to take into consideration the events in episode 17 for my still ongoing flashbacky fic with Miyuki and Shizuma. I'm onto like 4500+ words...but it's going to end soon! Just one more flashback, then back to the present with our kaichou-sama asleep in the council room, and... *the rest is a secret~!* XD

Wow I'm totally inspired by Miyuki, and that is scary, Lol. She still isn't a de facto "fav character" in that sense, but she's fun to mess with. Like I repeated many times before, chibi Miyuki is TOTALLY fic-bait for an author like me. Contrast her with grownup Miyuki, and you get angst galore without even trying. Add Shizuma into that equation and the angst (not to mention moments of humour) overflows. Add mystery character from Shizuma's past for grand finale. Muahahaha.

I just realised that Rokujou-sama's tendency to pile paperwork onto Shizuma with a smile on her face just totally reminds me of Shizuru for some reason. But of course, many things in my life reminds me of Shizuru (which testifies to the scary absurdity of it). Somehow, the way Miyuki hands off the work to Shizuma is far too reminscent of Shizuru getting the better of Natsuki. Haha.

Meh, I should go now. Ja!